♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Gird your loins for war, Aries. This is your time. Don’t be afraid of conflict. This week you will hear the lamentations of your enemies. 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Sorry, Taurus. Admit it: your Easy-Mac was ruined years ago.

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

And on the seventh day, Gemini created brunch, and it was good. But everyone swore it was great. 

♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

Cancer is going to read Karl Marx this week. Cancer is going to write a paper, watch a basketball game and wonder if Ryan Arcidiacono is alienated from his labor.

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Keep your head up, Leo. Somewhere out there, it’s 1985: partying like it’s 2016. 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

You’re very organized this week, Virgo. Don’t let all your careful planning go to waste, but don’t let the stress of having everything go perfectly ruin your enjoyment of the outcome!

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Oh, Libra. This week you will discover a new hobby to love. Maybe it’s rollerblading, maybe it’s calligraphy. Embrace it: this is how you’re going to get through college.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

It’s okay for you to let loose this week, Scorpio. Only you.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Dear Sagittarius: I can tell you’re feeling whimsical. This week, try to be a little less ‘Dave Matthews Band,’ and resist the urge to post any Snapchats you may regret later.

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Write poetry this week, Capricorn. Celebrate spring and basketball. Then tweet about it.

♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Online shopping is not for you this week. Wait; much-coveted items may go on sale sometime soon. If not, DIY. Villanova has a 3-D printer for a reason!

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

Today you drink from the keg of glory, Pisces. Celebrate with the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.