Satire: Living in an Oven


Gabi Frank

Many residence halls have recently transitioned from air conditioning to heating.

Isabella Ledet, Staff Writer

This article makes history as the first article ever written by a baked potato.

It has been one sweltering weekend, if I do say so myself. Wait, what was that? It was in the forties this weekend? Like, the forties in celsius? No? Fahrenheit? Well, I was living in an oven.

This past weekend, when it got up to 75 degrees outside, I was living in a room stuck at 80. I could not open the windows because the humidity would have only made it worse. So, naturally, I was bound to get a little cooked. And here I was, thinking my south-facing windows would keep my room a little warmer in the winter. The heat of the sun has paled in contrast to the heating of my floor.

The great thing about ovens is that they can be turned off. Usually, it is just by the press of a button. But for some reason, when we converted the technology of ovens to the technology of heating systems, we forgot that we could turn them on and off. In my dorm – sorry, oven – there is no middle ground. Warm air is pouring into the hallways and room nonstop. I am finding myself missing the loud, pollutant-emitting window box air conditioner that I had in my room last year. I had more control over the destiny of my room’s temperature. But even then, the control all ended when maintenance unplugged it for the season and we realized that the knob on the heater had fallen off and was eternally set to the highest temperature.

Ever wondered where those extra tuition dollars are going? Heating bills. Exclusively heating bills. It appears that the University is trying to break the world record for most money ever spent on heating. I know this because my dorm is not the only one that has been converted into an oven. There seems to be no reasonable explanation for the University trying to break this record. Nobody, not even a potato, was asking to get stuffed into a dorm-turned-oven. It is a shame that I have to open my windows when it is in the forties outside. I am letting out all of the air that someone is paying to warm. It simply does not make any sense.

The only other reason I can come up with for this sudden warming is that I have somehow accidentally become a part of a theatrical re-enactment of Hansel and Gretel where I have been shoved in an oven and must escape. If that is the case, I no longer want to be in this re-enactment. I would like to live in peace in a room that is a reasonable temperature.

The only good that I can see from this situation is that my room’s theme has finally been realized. My room is decorated entirely with a beach theme, from the posters to the decorations and even the bedding. Heating the room up to a balmy 80 degrees has finally completed the ambience. All I need now is for someone from the CEER construction site to dump some buckets of dirt all over the floor to simulate sand.

I never thought I would be sweating this much in the middle of November. Usually by this time of year, people are already talking about snow. In my dorm, I find myself talking about humidity and sunlight as if it were summer time. No wonder I am finding it so difficult to believe that Thanksgiving is only about a week away. It is definitely going to be strange when my room is decorated for Christmas and I must change into a t-shirt because I am boiling. Hopefully, things will be sorted out soon and I will not go from a baked potato to an overcooked potato.