Satire: The Most Luxurious Spot on Campus


Isabella Ledet

O’Dwyer Hall is one of three freshmen residence halls referred to as “fresh-main.”

Isabella Ledet, Staff Writer

Nothing says “Welcome to Villanova” like living in its dingiest corner — the little white houses that comprise most of what is known as “fresh-main.” 

Those who have not earned this high distinction and must face living in Fedigan Hall can, for all intents and purposes, ignore this article.

Those little houses are what make up the real fresh-main, and let me just say, what a luxurious spot. The picturesque views of busy Lancaster Avenue and the dingy backside of CampCo are simply breathtaking, and if that is still not enough, the orange caution tape of a construction zone completes the lovely spectacle. Occasionally, one may even be able to catch a glimpse of a random man in a brightly colored vest chopping down a 100-foot tall pine tree in the middle of a snow storm. And for even more spectacular outdoor entertainment, watch the largest dump trucks and front loaders the world has ever known move in progressions of inches, interrupted by incessant beeping. Really, the outdoor entertainment is ceaseless.

If the views from the windows are not enough to sell The Cluster of White Houses, just hear of how to arrive there. There is absolutely no car access, so one must use the bumpy, virtually unlit walkway through the heart of the CEER construction zone. That’s right, not even Public Safety can get through. And, for an extra luxurious finish, the path is almost always covered in muddy sludge from the construction zone, much like a red carpet. What a beautiful way to be welcomed home each evening.

Still not sold? How about mold? Nothing says “fresh-main” like “polluted-air.” Simply enter the laundry room on the second floor of O’Dwyer Hall and inhale for a higher likelihood of future lung disease. And if that is not stinky enough for one’s liking, the dumpsters right outside the front door of Simpson Hall will certainly do the trick. In fact, since no car access is allowed to this ideal location. No garbage trucks are allowed either. Simply wait around, and one will surely spot the tiny golf-cart-like garbage vehicle that is slightly too big to pass anyone on the muddy path. That thing has all of the delightful smells, with the extra upgraded stench of exhaust.

Tolentine Hall and CEER are just out the back door, and if this walk appears easy and hassle-free, that would be a false notion. Cutting through the construction site is prohibited, the main reason being the giant pit of dirt. Instead, one must walk nearly to the church, cut through the grass, and loop all the way back around to get to Tolentine or CEER. Have no fear about being just shy of daily step goals, as this surprisingly time-sucking walk will certainly help achieve them.

It truly is a wonder that Villanova does not send all of the freshmen to live in this lap of luxury. In fact, the inhabitants of The Cluster of White Houses are almost always forgotten, despite the fact that nearly every room is tripled. Have a light that does not work? Fill out a maintenance request and watch it remain unfulfilled for the entire duration of the year. Want the bathrooms to be cleaned? There is only one custodian, and he is not allowed in the women’s restrooms. And finally, want some food from the Villanova meal plan? Take a 10 minute hike to Pit where there is a singular open station, while friends at Spit enjoy a wide array of gourmet options. Late night? What on Earth is that?

I would not trade my experience living in fresh-main last year for anything, except maybe having the opportunity to live on South Campus last year. And I ask of all the students living at this institution: do not neglect those dwelling in The Cluster of White Houses.