Santo Caruso

Inspired by last week’s Coffee Break, the last bastion of real journalism in the Villanovan, my editor, hoping to improve male readership of the Features sections, asked me to write a list of things I think everyone should do before they graduate. If there is two things Santo knows how to do, it is to make lists and turn girls off. So here it is, a tour of all things Villanova worthy of the Blue Key Society. If only I could walk backwards.

1) Achieve the career grand slam. Spend a night in a dorm in Stanford, one on a floor in Sullivan or Sheehan, one on a futon in the Apartments and one either in your car in the parking lot or at an off-campus house. The trick is none of these residents can be your own, and bonus points for sleeping in a nurse’s room in the nursing school.

2) Schedule two classes in a row, one in Tolentine, one in Bartley. Be one of those kids who walks in two minutes late, always with the same excuse even though if you just walk straight to class you’ll make it with plenty of time to spare. It is trying to get all the way across campus without running into someone you know that is the obstacle. Bonus points for St. Mary’s to Bartley, but that is not for the weak of constitution.

3) Cheer for a top five basketball team. Its rarity is what makes it so special, but as Ferris Bueller once said, “if you have the opportunity, I highly recommend it.”

4) Go your entire career without losing your Wildcard. This is like the attendance award; no one expects to win it, and you really need to reevaluate your life choices if you do.

5) Spend at least one mug night in Erin’s and one in Maloney’s. The bars have completely different atmospheres, and fans of either will argue like the Red Sox versus the Yankees over which is better. End both nights by going to Kelly’s, for reasons I don’t need to get into.

6) Get mercy ruled in intramural softball. Everyone needs to be taken down a peg.

7) Encourage racial harmony. If you’re white, eat at the “Corner Grille.” If you’re a minority, eat at the “Italian Kitchen.” We’re all the same on the inside, and we’ll all eat the same crappy food even if they put pasta gravy and cheese on a chicken finger and call it parmigiana.

8) Do all of your Christmas shopping at the bookstore. Why shop yourself into a commerce coma at the intimidating and expensive King of Prussia Mall, when all of the Villanova hoodies and license plate frames you need are just a Kennedy stop away?

9) Make fun of engineers for being nerds.

10) Make fun of liberal arts students for not having jobs when they graduate.

11) Make fun of C&F students for doing so many group projects and reading the “Wall Street Journal.”

12) Don’t make fun of nurses. They’re cute, and they may save your life someday.

13) Have some story behind why “Public Safety/Radnor PD sucks.” Both groups are in place for our protection and have mostly good intentions, but because they stop students from being obnoxiously drunk and hurting themself, they are fascists. So have a good reason why. For example, my roommate freshman year claimed Public Safety “goaded” him into trying to kick them and than “dared” him to take a swing, and that is why they kicked him off campus. His logic is flawless.

14) Have a sword fight with Mendel Doug but don’t make the mistake of challenging him on his turf. Lure him towards the library or St. Mary’s, two places I’ve never seen him.

15) Sunbathe on Sheehan Beach on the first sunny day of the year. Who cares if it is late February? You bought this bikini for spring break and you can’t wait. Plus, you need a base tan. Or frost bite.

16) For the men: Appreciate what you have while you have it. The workforce is not packed with gorgeous girls, dressed to the nines at all times. Females of this quality are few and far between (unless you live in either Texas, Miami or southern California), and staring is not nearly as easy to get away with.

17) For the girls: Think very carefully of where your life is headed from here on out. You aren’t going to look better than you do now, and the best way to get a good guy is to get in on the ground floor. And by ground floor, I mean look at the guy passed out on the ground, in a pile of puke on the floor. Yeah, he is a mess now, but a Villanova political science degree goes a long way. Okay, maybe not but I have to justify my choice in major somehow.

18) Learn only the first few lines of “V for Villanova.” And absolutely none of the Alma Mater. It might as well be written in Sanskrit.

19) Realize the Pit is vastly underrated. The Spit’s never changing menu will soon wear on you’re freshman palettes, and suddenly the free market menu of make your own omelette, make your own taco, make your own sundae at the Pit will be quite appealing. Capitalism at it’s finest.

20) Hang out at LaSalle, St. Joe’s, Temple, Drexel or Penn. Realize why they hate us. Because they’re jealous and we really are that much better than them.

21) Try to understand the difference between your Philosophy, Theology and Core Humanities required courses.

22) Let the racket the bookstore has going slowly dawn on you. Shrug your shoulders and sell your books back anyway because you need beer money for the week after finals.

23) Pull several all nighters, read hundreds of pages, write enough essays to wallpaper SAC and swear to never wait until the end of the semester and finals week to start doing work again. But absolutely never, ever keep that promise, and by senior year look back nostalgically on those eight weeks when you learned more about time management and your own will power, and wish you could remember one thing you studied.

24) Buy Augustine, because we are an Augustinian University.

25) At least once make the joke that “the Hawk is Dead,” even if it is just a women’s 100-meter butterfly victory.

26) Volunteer at the Special Olympics, Balloon Day or any CAT event. The t-shirt alone is worth the time.

27) Complain about you’re basketball lottery weight, your housing lottery number, your class registration time or any other of those frustrating numbers that seem to rule your life.

28) Debate the merits of Big Bird as a graduation speaker.

29) Drive into a terrible neighborhood in North Philadelphia on a Saturday morning and find parking next to a shady field. Call it a rugby game, but never know the score, players or even the basic rules of the sport. Declare it one of the best days of the year.

30) Facebook

31) Pop your collar for a night. Just kidding, but it sure seems like a requirement.

32) Write a story for the Villanovan. Anything, a letter to the editor, a news article, a meaningless sports column that is read by only your mother. Seeing your name in print, and showing all of your friends is worth the 10 minutes you’ll have to spend writing the piece.