Schoneker: Turkey Day? Eat my snood!



Jake Schoneker

It’s getting cold. The leaves are changing. Farmer Joe has been eyeing my feathers just a little too keenly. You know what time it is: Thanksgiving. The time of year when you give thanks for all your blessings and then commence a mass genocide against me and my turkey friends. This year, I’m thankful for the irony.

While Farmer Joe is licking his chops, waiting to stuff me up for his Thanksgiving meal (another despicable practice, if you ask me. We turkeys are proud creatures, and we don’t like it when our vital organs are replaced with all that … stuff. Now they’re even stuffing us with ducks and chickens – our sworn enemies! Turduckens. What has this world come to?) There are plenty of reasons why you should keep us around.

First of all, we make great pets. Think about it – fish are boring, hamsters are messy and what has that stupid cat done for you lately? That’s what I thought. Nothing. Really, there’s only one competitor to the turkey – those nice, friendly dogs you keep around the house – but I’m here to tell you that turkeys can be man’s new best friend.

Why are turkeys better than dogs? Well for one, we fly! Sometimes. When I’m alone I sometimes pretend I’m a goose. They can fly. So can I, over short distances – that comes in handy when I want to leap over a small gap or crevasse. I’d like to see a dog leap over a crevasse. Not happening, friend. Why don’t you go pee on something? Good boy. Goood booooyy!! Turkeys 1, Dogs 0.

We are also way better than dogs at guarding your house. Have you heard a turkey gobble? It’s downright frightening! It’s like an elephant drowning. You can hear it from blocks away! We may not have teeth, but have you ever had an encounter with the beak of an angry turkey and lived to tell the tale? I think not. Suffice it to say, your house will be safe under my watch. Turkeys 2, Dogs 0.

As if that wasn’t enough, we have snoods! We are indeed the envy of the animal kingdom for the red skin that hangs from our beak. We males wear our snoods with pride, and the lady turkeys go nuts for them. You can make the snood work for you, too! Think about it, guys – you’re walking through the park with your pet turkey, enjoying the day, when a young lady slides up and says, “Hey there, nice turkey. I love his snood.” Jackpot! It’s practically a done deal. What do dogs have to match? Fleas? Bad breath? Nothing says true love like a nice red snood. Final score: Turkeys 3, Dogs 0.

There are some other reasons not to dine on turkey meat this Thanksgiving. We’re the national bird. That’s got to count for something. Sure, the bald eagle, through an undocumented militant coup, displaced us from our rightful place on the throne – but we are currently fighting the eagles in court and soon will regain our national distinction.

We’ve got Ben Franklin behind us. He said, and I quote, the bald eagle “is a bird of bad moral character. He does not get his living honestly … the Turkey is, in comparison, a much more respectable bird, and a true original native of America … He is besides, though a little vain and silly, a Bird of Courage.” A bird of courage! Did ya hear that, Baldy?

Besides being great pets and natural Birds of Courage, we turkeys are naturally just not very tasty. We are tough and don’t have nearly as much fat as chickens or cows, who are by their very nature lazy creatures. Lazy creatures deserve to be eaten, but birds of courage should be allowed to flourish. That’s practically right from your president’s mouth. So don’t put me in yours!

This Thanksgiving, stand up for turkey rights and gobble down some chicken, tofu or Brussels sprouts instead. Nobody cares about vegetable rights, anyway.


Jake Schoneker is a senior political science and humanities major from Lansdale, Pa. He can be reached at [email protected].