Nardi: The once and future theocrat



Tom Nardi

Mike Huckabee is a funny guy. Or at least, I think I’m supposed to believe that. The media tells me it enough, and those guys are never wrong. So I guess it must be true. And he put Chuck Norris in his TV ads! Conan O’Brien likes Huckabee too! Huckabee/O’Brien ’08! Would Colbert be jealous, I wonder?

It’s a good thing Huckabee likes to joke so much. It really keeps him from having to know things. Stupid facts – always trying to trip up our Republican politicians. I know I loved it when Dubya joked about not being able to find WMD. Being able to laugh about sending thousands to a needless death is true leadership.

But if Bush is good at laughing off reality, Huckabee is certainly following in his footsteps. When Huckabee was caught unaware of the NIE that said Iran was no longer trying to build a nuclear weapon, he deftly moved aside of the criticism, saying, “And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

I know when I’m looking for a president, I look for knowledge of inane TV advertisements. Paying the slightest bit of attention to foreign policy matters is over-rated. (Actually, I thought the commercial said that if you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, you’d be smarter. But maybe I’m remembering wrong.)

Huckabee also uses humor to make strong policy points. For some reason people want South Carolina to take down its state flag. I guess some of the PC police see the Confederate flag as a symbol of racism. Don’t know where they’d get that from. Personally, I always thought that flying the flag of rebels made you a traitor to the country. But people like NASCAR too, so let’s agree to disagree.

If Southerners are looking for a defender of their flag, then they’ve certainly found one in the Huckster. When asked what to do with opponents of the flag, Huckabee said, “If somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we’d tell ’em what to do with the pole; that’s what we’d do.” Arkansas’ flag has an homage to the Confederacy too. And here I thought it was a bad thing to honor states that joined in armed rebellion against the United States.

So, you see why I was just rolling on the floor when I heard Huckabee say we have to amend the Constitution to the will of the living God. How good is that? Oh, I bet we can come up with some killer amendments, right, Mike?

Amendment XXVIII. Thou shall not eat shellfish. (Leviticus 11:10-12. Chapter and verse baby! Hallelujah!) Sorry, Ron Paul. Looks like the shrimp industry is going down. No more earmarks for you. Or we could stone you do death, or something. That’s in the Bible a lot.

Amendment XXIX. Thou shall not commit adultery. Sorry, John McCain. And Rudy Giuliani. And Newt Gingrich. You’re going to the slammer. Can we posthumously incarcerate Ronald Reagan too? A dead guy in prison would be hilarious.

Amendment XXX. Thou shall have many wives. I mean, if it was good enough for the patriarchs, it’s good enough for us, right? Oh wait, you don’t want to redefine marriage, Mike? I guess I’ll have to leave the Biblical interpretation up to you.

Amendment XXXI. Ignore the First Amendment. And that part that says there shall be no religious test for public office – that part was probably written by a bunch of godless liberals, anyway. We really know what’s best for the Constitution, right Mike?

Amendment XXXII. Ignore the collected life of Thomas Jefferson. I never understood why this guy was such a big deal in the first place. Jefferson wrote, “I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition [Christianity] one redeeming feature.” Really, Mr. Jefferson?

Anyone who actually reads the Bible, instead of just going to Huckabee for an authoritative interpretation, is a sinner. Huck stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, after all, so his word must be infallible (unless it’s about foreign policy).

You at home can play along with Huck too! The Bible is a big book and can be used to argue almost anything. Paul wrote this great letter called Philemon, which basically justifies slavery.

So go scour the Bible and find the craziest amendment you can come up with. Send it to the Huckabee campaign. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find your work published in United States law. (I’m going to cross my fingers for legalizing selling my daughter into sex slavery. Exodus 21:7-11)


Tom Nardi is a senior political science major from Philadelphia, Pa. He can be reached at [email protected].