Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
The glory of fall break has come to an end. Have no fear, Scorpio. One can only binge-watch so much Netflix, and time away from the computer screen will do you wonders.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Sagittarius, make sure to be extra careful when you’re wiring $1600 in a mass fake-ID order to Shanghai. A failed fake order is a special, terrible, type of disappointment, up there only with rainy days at the beach and a hair on your hamburger.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
You find yourself falling down the Youtube rabbit hole, and before you know it, you’re watching The Grateful Dead playing at the Hollywood Bowl in 1967. You think you’re wasting time until you realize your ACS teacher was a total Deadhead. Safe to say you’re cursory knowledge of American psych-rock will secure an “A” in that uniquely freshman misery.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
Aquarius, I know you think you know all that is to be known about college football, but be wary of getting too involved in gambling. It’s all fun and games until you’re hiding in your neighbors closet because your bookie has sent a couple of guys to rough you up due to your steadily mounting debt.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Pisces, this is your week. Straight up, everything is going to go your way, so if you’re reading this, go buy a lottery ticket, ask out the girl or guy of your dreams and apply for that tough internship. You will win every one of these things. Seriously. Horoscopes never lie.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Remember that time your car got side swept twice and towed from Home Props all in one week? Yeah, the stars have not been in your favor lately. Luckily, your friends find your misfortune amusing, and have made driving you around their personal philanthropy event. No worries, your luck will turn shortly.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Taurus, this is simply not your week. Expect to be dumped by your significant other and get historically bad grades throughout the week. Hate to break it to you, but, uh, yeah.
Gemini (May 22 – June 22)
The future real world is looming, and at the moment that seems too stressful to bear. However, don’t worry. Have a little more faith in yourself. Just because you are the only one who doesn’t yet know what they are doing next year doesn’t mean you aren’t going to rock it.
Cancer (June 23 – July 23)
Keep working on that jumpshot, Cancer. You’re scheduled to take part in the 3-point shootout at Hoops ManiA. A well-placed source is telling that Head Ball Coach Jay Wright is looking for a sharpshooter from behind-the-arc this season. You just impress him enough to earn your spot on the squad. Onions.
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Leo, you’re curating hot-fire Spotify playlists all the time, so props for that, bro. Even though you have zero followers, it’s still a cool skill to have and eventually somebody will be impressed by your eclectic mix of tunes.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
You definitely had some adventures over break, but it sounds like you at least had a good time. The crazy lifestyle is definitely for you, but maybe calm down a little bit.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
The lack of sleep and long hours you are pulling at work lately may seem frustrating, but I promise you it is worth it. Big things are definitely in store for you, Lib.