♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

 

You wish you could go back to those days in first grade when every kid brought 25 little bags of skittles as Valentines for the whole class.  Hopefully the care package from your Mom isn’t the only loving you get this V-Day, but it might be.

                                    

 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

Don’t be that guy (or girl) who shoves his (or her) relationship in everyone’s face[book] this Valentine’s Day.  Nobody likes that guy.

 

 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

 

There’s a strong chance that you have a few too many Valentines this year.  You go Glen Coco.

 

 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

You might be struggling with your five courses right now, but fear not, chances are you’ll end up in the meaty part of the bell curve.            

 

 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Purposely trying to stay out of a relationship is a bold strategy, Cotton.  Let’s see how it works out for him. 

 

 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

 

You abhor the holiday-that-shall-not-be-named.  Also, you’ve referred to Cupid as that “repugnant, obese baby” on several occasions over the past two weeks. Get a grip.

 

 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

You definitely, maybe have no idea what you’re doing in your personal life, but perhaps that’s a good thing. Crazy, stupid love will always figure out a way of finding you.

 

 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

 

You certainly didn’t have me at hello but keep trying. I like chocolate, maybe you should try buying chocolates.

 

 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

I’m no physicist, so I don’t know the rules of attraction, but you should approach that special someone you’ve been eyeing. Strike up a conversation and see where it goes. Probably nowhere, but you never know.

 

 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

No, Valentine’s Day is not that holiday in April with the big bunny and the eggs. Flowers, chocolates, jewelry…go buy them now. Don’t get dumped.

 

 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Text your grandmother “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Wait, she definitely doesn’t text. Call her on her home phone because you know her cell phone from 2002 is dead.

 

 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Love isn’t always perfect. In fact, it probably never is, but what do I know.