Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

 

Go buy some red solo cups. You’re gonna need ’em.

 

 

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

If Liam Neeson can do the ridiculously improbable things he did in all three “Taken” movies, then there’s nothing in your path that you can’t handle.

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

 

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Write that down. 

 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Don’t hit send. Twitter is not for airing personal grievances. It’s for unfunny quips and the Cute Emergency account. 

 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

If you don’t know how to ski, learn ASAP. Something tells me that hitting the slopes will come in handy some day. 

 

 

  Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

 

After the way the Seahawks choked away the Super Bowl, I just can’t make any promises. Keep your eyes peeled for obstacles…and rookie cornerbacks.

 

 

Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

It’s all a numbers game. Sooner or later it’s all going to add up, but only if you’re keeping count. 

 

 

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

 

Wells Fargo’s parking lot has no idea what’s coming for it. Just try to make it into the arena this time. The team needs you.

 

 

Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You cried during 40 percent of the Super Bowl commericals and have no idea who won the game. What’s the best way to watch “Gilmore Girls”reruns?

 

 

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

You stopped wearing a watch this semester. But, like, your phone has a clock on it so you don’t really need it.

 

 

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Stop fantasizing about buying a zoo and pay attention in class. Those bridges aren’t going to build themselves.

 

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

What’s a capricorn? Like the mythical creature?