♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

 

Go buy some red solo cups. You’re gonna need ’em.

 

 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

If Liam Neeson can do the ridiculously improbable things he did in all three “Taken” movies, then there’s nothing in your path that you can’t handle.

 

 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

 

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Write that down. 

 

 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Don’t hit send. Twitter is not for airing personal grievances. It’s for unfunny quips and the Cute Emergency account. 

 

 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

If you don’t know how to ski, learn ASAP. Something tells me that hitting the slopes will come in handy some day. 

 

 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

 

After the way the Seahawks choked away the Super Bowl, I just can’t make any promises. Keep your eyes peeled for obstacles…and rookie cornerbacks.

 

 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

It’s all a numbers game. Sooner or later it’s all going to add up, but only if you’re keeping count. 

 

 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

 

Wells Fargo’s parking lot has no idea what’s coming for it. Just try to make it into the arena this time. The team needs you.

 

 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You cried during 40 percent of the Super Bowl commericals and have no idea who won the game. What’s the best way to watch “Gilmore Girls”reruns?

 

 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

You stopped wearing a watch this semester. But, like, your phone has a clock on it so you don’t really need it.

 

 

 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Stop fantasizing about buying a zoo and pay attention in class. Those bridges aren’t going to build themselves.

 

 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

What’s a capricorn? Like the mythical creature?