♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)
If there’s anything that this week will teach you it’s this: ball is life.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Languages were never your strong suit, but sometimes being an avid linguist is overrated. Just learn to communicate effectively with people around you and you’ll be fine. That is unless they’re cotton-headed ninnymugginses.
♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
The sun is setting later as spring comes around the bend. Notice the sunset, but don’t stare too long, there’s too much going on.
♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)
Just like Café Nova’s menu, you’ll never change. Maybe that’s a good thing and maybe it isn’t, but it’s certainly not a good thing for the Corner Grille. #TooManyCheesesteaks
♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)
The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah where they don’t allow music. Things don’t always make sense, but they almost always work out in the end.
♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)
Have you ever felt like something was a sign but you just didn’t know what it meant? Well, no one knows what “Shabba” means either. Just go with your gut.
♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)
You might want to check the advice I gave to Leo. There’s no formula for predicting the NCAA Tournament. Picking a team because of its mascot or because your dog told you to is about as accurate as the most analytic of analytics.
♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)
If you have your car on campus, go for a nice drive, it might help you sort things out. If you don’t have a car…then I can’t help you.
♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
You’re like George Mason in 2006. You’re primed to pull off a string of upsets in your life. Those behemoths won’t know what him ‘em.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Where were you on the day of today? Don’t play games with me mister!
♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
This is a week when you can make history. You won’t be the GOAT, but then again, there’s only one of those.
♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)
Remember that kitten you saw strolling behind CEER the other day? One might say it was a wild cat. Coincidence? I think not.