♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

 

You refused to Instagram a picture of your dog on National Puppy Day because you believe that a 5-year-old canine is no longer considered a puppy. 

You’re literally a literalist.  

 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

If you keep trying to beat the odds they might just end up beating you. Don’t let the likelihood of something happening get in your head.

 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Sources are telling me that the new Kanye album could drop any second. Like now. Or now. Or it could have happened the first time I said now. Stay on top of that.

 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

 

Villanova’s loss in the tournament may have rocked your world, but you’re too tough to let it get to you. Two words – Jalen Brunson.

 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

If you haven’t gotten a sandwich at Second Storey yet in your ’Nova career, get on that. Yes, you want it toasted.

 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

 

When registering for classes, avoid 8:30 classes at all costs. They’re the bane of college students’ existence and the attorney general should ban them.

 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You enjoy a good allegory, but you’re not about similes. Wait, which one uses “like” or “as?”

 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Don’t trust your decision-making abilities this week. After all, you’re the one who chose Cherry Garcia out of all the possible Ben ‘n Jerry’s flavors.

 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

You were obscenely disappointed that you were able to make a snowman last Friday. I can’t promise there won’t be anymore snow, but don’t lose your faith in Mother Nature just yet.

 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Kentucky is most likely going win the National Championship and there’s not much we can do about it. Still, everyone turn your pajamas inside out or something, we can’t let this happen. 

 

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

 

Cartoons and caricatures are progressive, not regressive. Keep that in mind.

 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

You haven’t done one required reading yet this semester, but somehow you still have all As and Bs. Much respect.