♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

With finals approaching, there’s no better time to step back for some perspective. Yes, your classes and your grades are important, but they are just one part—a leaf on the palm tree of your life. And palm trees have coconuts. 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

What does “going off the deep end even mean? Like the deep end of a pool? How do you go off the deep end? You can go into the deep end or get out of the deep end, but there’s no ledge in the deep end where you can simply “go off.” 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

If the “Steroid Era” in baseball is ending, then what era are we entering? What if we had eras like that for society? Like right now we’d be in the “Pants-With-Scrunchy-Ankles” era, or the “Snapchat Story” era. Writing this is disheartening. 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

“East? I thought you said Weast.” 

“That’s West, Patrick.”

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Last horoscope: I quote Spongebob far too often. Anyway, striving for excellence or even perfection is admirable, but sometimes the route becomes so complicated that it muddles or obstructs the end goal. Making a difference or being noticed can come from the simplest strategy as long as you have a plan to get where you want to go. 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

I’m not a huge college football fan, but I can list about five Heisman Trophy winning quarterbacks off the top of my head that had no business in the NFL. And then there’s a guy like Tom Brady going 199th in the draft. Just something to think about.  

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Saying that someone or something is the “greatest of all-time” (The GOAT) is slightly offensive to those that are in the running that you ignored while making such as declarative statement. So use the term sparingly or with jest. Unless you’re talking about Michael Jordan, he’s the GOAT. 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Does anyone know the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Does it matter, though? Not all differences are worth harping on. 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Everyone take a moment this week and remember Mouphtaou Yarou’s Villanova basketball career. If you’re too young to know who he is, head on over to Google. 

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Glasses can really go either way for a person’s look. Or you can fill them with chocolate milk. Your call. 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

The NBA Draft Lottery is Tuesday, May 20. May the Ping-Pong balls be ever in your favor. Let’s all pretend the league isn’t going to rig it for the Knicks. 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

It’s been a pleasure publishing nonsense for you to read each week, enjoy your summer.