♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

If you were saying “back in my day” about today, what would you say? Will things be better or worse in the future when today is considered “back in the day?”

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You know Reefs? Not like coral reefs, but like Reefs the flip-flops. Well they have bottle openers on the bottom and let me tell you, never has a shoe been as useful as when it’s used for opening things. 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Get over those first week jitters—it’s go time. Syllabus week is technically over, but syllabus week is not a time frame, it’s a frame of mind. Do your work like it’s not syllabus week, but play like it still is. 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

It’s tough looking back at the past and wishing it wasn’t gone, and it’s amazing how many things transport you back in time. It’s okay to close your eyes and dream, but then open your eyes and see. 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

The second season of “True Detective” was a disaster of sorts. It wasn’t traditionally bad, but it was so overloaded with unnecessary storylines that the heart and edge-of-your-seat intrigue from the first season was lost. Having said that, creator Nic Pizzolatto is an enigma. Read up on him, but don’t try to fake his darkness.  

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

McDonald’s is reportedly set to offer breakfast all day. All of us who haven’t awakened before 11 a.m. since 1999 can declare victory over the oppressive regime that had denied us our McGriddles since the dawn of time. 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

The problem was seemingly underrated but I believe that it could possibly become larger. Cryptic. 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Bill Simmons Instagrammed a picture of a fake Madden cover featuring Roger Goodell with the caption, “Are you ready for some football?” So, are you?

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Is the writing section of the SAT relevant yet? It certainly wasn’t four years ago and if it isn’t by now, then what’s the point? 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

What does RA stand for? Rain Anaconda? Really Animalistic? Reverend Alsterton? Ribbed Apple? Resident Assistant? Rarely Altruistic? Could be any of them. 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

The average age of Major League Baseball fans is rising, supposedly. It seems counterintuitive based on the popularity of the Little League World Series. Don’t lose your childhood passions. 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

My name is Harold Crick. I believe you’re writing a story about me.