♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Would you trust a Wendy’s pulled pork sandwich? Well, that exists now. Choose wisely. 

 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Non-sequiturs are a hallmark of a mind that’s too fast for its own good. Or too good for its own fast.  

 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Baseball in October is one of those things that brings back flashes of nostalgia and pride years later. Go Yanks.   

 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Posting on the Internet is like writing on a whiteboard with a sharpie. It’s never coming off. 

 

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

 

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen $100,000 except maybe in the movies. But I assure you, the translation’s been lost. Just ask White Goodman.  

 

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

I may have said this before, but if you could care less about something that means that you care a little bit about it. Just say, “I don’t care” if you’re confused about that expression. 

 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

 

The lead singer of The Steve Miller Band sings that some people call him Maurice because he speaks of the pompitous of love. What is the pompitous of love, you might ask? No one knows. 

 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

The Wawa in Bryn Mawr is going to have a roller coaster and a petting zoo when it reopens after its long closure. Hype it. 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

If you look up at the stars, bright lights can sometimes prevent you from seeing them. No pun intended. 

 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

 

One-syllable words are meant to be said with emphasis. 

 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Jamie Foxx is featured in a bunch of popular songs. Don’t be afraid to show your hidden 

talents. 

 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

 

Gary Busey went a little bonkers even before he started advertising for Amazon. Don’t let 

midterms do that to you.