♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Some places transcend their physical nature. I’m talking about geographic locations and buildings. Memories exist in those places, and although we can take them with us, their rightful place is where they happened.

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

Although you have to say goodbye to the proverbial summer, you can look forward to the eerie autumn that’s coming. 

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Balance is straightforward, but it’s elusive. You have to acknowledge the parts of you that are competing for air, and there’s nothing wrong with understanding that they exist. Eventually the best one will emerge, or they will just work together. 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

“I’m IB positive. I be positive they ain’t touchin’ me with no needle.” – Bruce Almighty

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Why are there words that are considered “bad?” If we just removed their stigma then they wouldn’t have to be hushed or considered inappropriate. Obviously there are offensive words that have accumulated such meaning over time, but the bland ones, let’s just let them ring.

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Where is the middle ground between “You can do anything you put your mind to” and “No, seriously, I need a job?”

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

Hunks are not good listeners.  

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You guys remember Captain Underpants? 

He was the boy. One time he took on the “Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants.” That’s objectively 

funnier than most things most people say. 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

The Secretary of Defense has an unbelievable 

burden handling the Defense Department. You can handle your class schedule and homework.

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Baron Davis jumped into the pool with his phone in his pocket. I have that fear every time I hit the water. 

Irrationality is not chill.

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

Are foreigners allowed to perform at Made in 

America? 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

You ever see that video of the baby dancing to “Single Ladies”? That leg kick move is legendary. Got to add that to my arsenal. I’ve been doing the dice thing too much.