♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Hot tubs are great for any time of year! Pick one up at your local Sears today.

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Whoever came up with the Kars for Kids commerical’s jingle should be promptly fired and banned from the advertising business. 

♒  Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

While the saying, “If you ain’t first, you’re last” makes no literal sense, its sentiment is useful.

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

Although they remain 24 hours long, winter days feel incredibly shorter when it gets dark at 4:50 p.m. You have to power through the darkness and get on with the day.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

Back in 2007, the White House Press Secretary admitted to being completely unfamiliar with the Cuban Missile Crisis. Cover your bases. 

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

I never understood the purpose of gravel driveways or roads. Just pave that thing. As they say, there’s no time like the present. And while the present time might be unique, it’s not always the best time for action. 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

If mimes don’t scare you, then what does? 

 ♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

Exercise can balance out the crazy.

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Tissue? I don’t even know you. 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Some memories never escape you, and they may even pop up at inopportune times. Live with them, don’t run from them.

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

A wise man told me on Thanksgiving, “The real world isn’t that real.” Word.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

If you could wager on whether or not it will rain on a Tuesday at Villanova, you would be a rich Nationer.