♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19) 

Start writing your name in your  underwear, because planets.

♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

You got a free burrito at Chipotle but guac was extra. Watch out, nothing is what it seems. 

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You will soon become a “G List” celebrity. Don’t let the fame go to your head.  

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Stop checking “Snow Day Calculator!” It’s a filthy liar. 

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

You were alone on Valentine’s Day. Well guess what, Valentines candy is on sale this week… treat yo’ self.   

♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

LSD is totally back. 

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Next time you see someone sneeze, kindly remind him that somewhere, somehow, the beat just got sicker. 

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Share Rebecca Black’s “Friday” on every form of social media today. No ragrets.

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

You are not the father.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

Start telling people that you’re voting for Vermin Supreme in 2016. Seriously, look him up. You won’t be disappointed. 

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Next time someone asks you where you’re going, respond that you’re headed to Blockbuster. 

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

You will lick your elbow this weekend. No one will believe you.