♓ Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) 

“I’m moving to Canada” is no longer a joking matter. Get your affairs in order.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You will lose odds and have to embarrass yourself in front of a large group of people. Trust no one.

♉ Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Now that spring break is over, carbs are your best friend again.

♊ Gemini (May 22 – June 22)

Impress your crush by singing to them in a very public fashion – they’ll be flattered.

♋ Cancer (June 23 – July 23)

The happiest day of the year (MLB opening day) is right around the corner – buy your tickets now.

♌ Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23)

Reminisce on the summer of ’69 – that was a good one, man.

♍ Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23)

Leo finally got the Oscar. All is right with the world. Watch your problems melt away. 

♎ Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)

A spoonful of sugar helps the midterm grades go down. Carry around a couple packs of sugar in your back pocket.

♏ Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) 

If you use enough auto-tune you might just land yourself on iTunes’ Top 100.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Never forget that the solution to every problem can be found at the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

♑ Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Your little brother is officially taller than you, but you don’t have to admit that because you rock. And you’re way cooler anyways.

♒ Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Anything is a hook-up app if you want it to be.