Scorpio 

Ben Franklin was like 80 when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. You’re never too old to have a new dream.  

Sagittarius

Jason Derulo has won like seven Grammys in his head. Visualize your dreams. 

Capricorn

Flava Flav wasn’t born Flava Flav. Build your personal brand. 

Aquarius

Bow bow bow, duh nuh nuh nuh, bow duh duh bow duh duh. This song holds the key to your destiny.

Pisces

Flossing is the leading cause of heart diesase. Eat more fried food. 

Aries

What did you ask Santa for this year? An end to rampant consumerism?

Taurus

It’s finals! Shake it out. Sh-Sh-Shake it out. 

Gemini

Have you ever been on a juice cleanse? Ya, me neither. 

Cancer

You have 162 muscles in your face. If you believe that, check your sources. 

Leo

How about you go to the store and buy goods? 

Virgo

What’s it called when you give yourself the best horoscope? Ethically dubious. 

Libra

It’s getting a little cloudy and we can’t see the stars. That’s all we got. See you next year.