Scorpio 

A student of yours will need an extension on an assignment next week because she was up late writing horoscopes. 

Sagittarius

Your 30-day free trial of Villanovan horoscopes has come to an end. To continue your service, please Venmo me like, I don’t know, $6?

Capricorn

The Norweigian Elkhound won this year’s Westminister Dog Show. The Elkhound can be trained to wipe their paws at the door, which is more than I can say for you, Capricorn.

Aquarius

Next Monday from 4:38-4:44 p.m., Mars will be in the house of Saturn. This is the perfect excuse for you to be a huge pain in the butt to everyone you know, so make the most of those six minutes!  

Pisces

Someone close to you has a hard time responding to text messages, but comments on memes they’re tagged in almost immediately. Don’t take this as a personal affront; just understand that their communication style is different than yours.

Aries

I’ve known my roommate for years and only just found out she can play the piano. 

Taurus

And now for a relatable horoscope: Seniors! 100 days! Ahh! 

Gemini

That t-shirt that you lost is stuck behind one of your drawers. Either that, or your roommate took it. Assume the latter. 

Cancer

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Just don’t regret them later.  

Leo

I usually don’t have a problem falling asleep, and could pretty much fall asleep anywhere, but I worry that means my quality of sleep is lacking. Oh, you were expecting a horoscope about you? Well, not everything has to be about you, Leo. 

Virgo

Valentine’s day is over, folks! Time to stop pretending you’re in this relationship for anything but gifts and his Netflix password.  

Libra

Life is like a box of Trader Joe’s Vanilla Almond Clusters cereal. For the most part, it’s full of clusters of joy and oats. But at the end, when all your clusters are gone, you find yourself left with only multigrain flakes and disappointment. On another note, I need to go grocery shopping.