Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

¯_(ツ)_/¯

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

‘Twas not the thousandth tap that broke the rock, but the 999 that came before. But hey, who’s counting?

 

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Are we okay, Capricorn? I feel like you’ve been distant lately. 

 

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Take a hike, Aquarius. No, really. The weather’s not going to be this good for long.

 

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Hiss hiss, Pisces.

 

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Y u do dis.

 

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Stars, man. Love those things.

 

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Gemini, you are a spicy meatball.

 

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

Cancer, you are a good bird. Let’s keep it that way.

 

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

I think we should just be friends, Leo.

 

 Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Eat clams, Virgo. They are good for your health.**

 

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

Lancaster, I barely know her!

 

Deanna Passaretti, April 2

What are men to rocks and mountains?

 

**This horoscope does not apply to Virgos with shellfish allergies