Claire Hoffman Co-Editor-in-Chief

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21



Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

‘Twas not the thousandth tap that broke the rock, but the 999 that came before. But hey, who’s counting?


Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Are we okay, Capricorn? I feel like you’ve been distant lately. 


Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Take a hike, Aquarius. No, really. The weather’s not going to be this good for long.


Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Hiss hiss, Pisces.


Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Y u do dis.


Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Stars, man. Love those things.


Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Gemini, you are a spicy meatball.


Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

Cancer, you are a good bird. Let’s keep it that way.


Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

I think we should just be friends, Leo.


 Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Eat clams, Virgo. They are good for your health.**


Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

Lancaster, I barely know her!


Deanna Passaretti, April 2

What are men to rocks and mountains?


**This horoscope does not apply to Virgos with shellfish allergies