Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

Oh boy, Scorpio. Things are looking good for you. Really good. Almost too good? Your friends are going to hate you for it.  

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

You’ve been reminiscing about junior high again, Sagittarius. Stop that. Right now.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Get ready to catch these hands. They are ready to catch you. 

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

You are about to find the love of your life! Mazel tov! I hope they like you back. 

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Glub glub glub. Get it? Because you are a fish. Glub glub. 

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Aries. Get ready to rage.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Taurus! OMG ur crush likes you back! Sickkkkkkkk.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Gemini. You are a lame boy.

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

You are at a crossroads in your life, Cancer. What are you going to do about it? Huh? What? 

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

Ey yo, Leo. How ‘ya been? Good. Yeah, I thought so. Get it? Because I am reading your future. Oh, you thought you were just predictable? Yeah, I thought so.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

You might think that the honey in your night class has been giving you “the eyes.” You’re wrong.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

Variety is the spice of life, Libra. Cumin is the spice of my life.