Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

The fact that Twizzlers exist and so do Redvines is so absurd. Like, they’re practically the same candy and yet they’re so niche. How has one not completely taken over the market? Like, who ate a Redvine and was like, yeah, I’m going to make this but slightly different and call it a Twizzler?

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

Violence is not the answer. Shaving off your enemy’s hair, fashioning it into a wig and wearing it in front of them is the answer.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

I never met a piece of fudge I didn’t like.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Aquarius, you son of a gun. You’ve really dug yourself a hole. It’s time to jump in that hole and look for buried treasure. Like gold or something. Or diamonds!

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Cool it with the existential nihilism, Pisces. You’re bumming everyone out.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

How long can I leave my laundry in the wash without moving it to the dryer until it starts to smell like FritosTM? 

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Frosted Flakes are making a comeback, Taurus. Oh wait, I meant frosted tips. Uhhhh.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Human beings cannot be defined by numbers. You are not your weight. You are not your GPA. You are not the accumulated number of hours you’ve spent watching the hit MTV show “Catfish.”

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

When I learned the Bill of Rights in elementary school, my friend Katie taught me that holding up your first two fingers, your thumb and pointer, makes a “gun,” which is a handy reminder that the second amendment is the right to bear arms. What an intimate memory to share with strangers reading the newspaper.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

“I am not a robot,” I scream into the void, not quite believing myself.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Elon Musk has abandonment issues and so do I.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

You’re disillusioned with the human experience, Libra. But, who isn’t?