There is a subtle art to asking questions without alluding to the real inquiry at play. For example, when attempting to uncover a potentially-serious boyfriend’s relationship with his mother, one must be sensitive to not reveal their cards. Instead of asking: would you consider your relationship with your mother healthy or is she overly involved and territorial? Try: how often do you call your mom? (Insert an unassuming and casual tone of voice.) You are simply asking a harmless question, not interrogating for potential red flags. The innocence of the inquiry must be maintained, or else the interviewee could be alerted to the true nature of your questioning. What must be avoided at all costs is the calculated answer that attempts to appease you, sensing the danger of a misstep and telling you exactly what you want to hear.
For most, it is easy to gauge a general sense of personality. By date two or three, it should become increasingly apparent whether they are funny or dry, outgoing or quiet, conceited or confident. That being said, there are things that take time to uncover. Dynamics that won’t work well, or habits that will prove incompatible are among them. Nobody’s getting any younger around here. Time to cut to the chase. Here are four go-to questions for that maybe special someone but you’re not sure yet because you don’t actually know what they think about things you think are really important and you don’t know how to ask without directly asking but seriously guys if the answer is not acceptable there is no hope to help you out. Must I do everything for you?
- What is your favorite family tradition or memory?
Family. The end-all be-all. Whether you are intending on starting a family in the future or not, it is absolutely necessary to assess the familial dynamics of a potential significant other. This simple question can unearth not only their feelings towards and closeness to their kin, but also helps to paint an accurate picture of their priorities. While people can certainly differ from their families, or be absolutely lovely people without maintaining close family ties, all of the above is good information to have. Inquiring about traditions or memories is an especially effective method, as it doesn’t sound too many alarm bells. What could be more innocent than a good old family tradition? Little do they know, their long standing annual movie night is just the green flag you have been looking for to secure a coveted next date.
2. Who is someone you look up to?
So unthreatening. So unassuming. This question is perfect for giving you an idea of not only who they are now, but who they aim to become. Often, we look up to those whose behavior we want to emulate, or whose situation in life we hope to achieve. Take their answer for what it is: a window into your future with them. No, I am not suggesting that if they idolize Bill Gates you are sure to live a rich and prosperous life. Rather, expect behavior and priorities that align with their chosen hero. If they say they look up to the Wolf of Wall Street, run. Run and never look back.
3. What would your dream birthday be?
I thought long and hard about this question. While you could venture to ask what their ideal date would be, I worry this would produce a fabricated answer aimed to please. We don’t want any cheating, just the good, honest truth. Inquiring about their ideal birthday is sure to get them talking, and about their favorite things. When deciding if there is a future with a potential match, it is essential that you understand what makes them tick. A birthday is a day meant to be filled with an individual’s favorite activities, so take good note of what they choose to occupy their day. Their response can also give an indication as to whether or not they are capable of planning and executing a celebration, and with whom this celebration would occur. If they don’t seem to be a birthday person, potentially inquire about their dream day.
4. Tell me about your oldest friend.
Loyalty is so in season. A potential challenge for blossoming relationships is that the newness renders true tests of loyalty impossible. While coming in guns blazing with an inquiry about whether or not they have cheated may be painstakingly obvious, this question offers a more subtle approach. If you want to go right out and say that, be my guess. However, even a definitive no may not be a testament to their ability to be a lifelong partner. Inquiring into their longest friendship is sure to uncover their ability to maintain a meaningful relationship across time or distance. A continuation of a long term bond could also attest to their ability to waive conflict and navigate disagreements with someone they love. And, hey, while you’re at it, just make sure this isn’t a friend you have to worry about.
While these questions won’t touch on everything, they lay a good foundation for uncovering things that you just need to know, but can’t ask. These questions can serve as a necessary red flag radar, alerting you of potentially deal-breaking dynamics that you would have otherwise uncovered when it was too late for a clean break. So, whip out your most unassuming, innocent voices and get asking.
