Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day to all those who celebrated. I hope you all had a wonderful day celebrating the patron saint of Ireland. Love you, Patty.
I hope everyone’s St. Patrick’s Day was full of Guinness, U2 and step dancing. I hope everyone was drunk and wearing green. I hope everyone had a great time.
Okay, actually, I have something to say. It might be controversial, but I need to speak my truth.
I am sick of non-Irish people celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. I am sick of my culture being a costume. We are not just animals you can point and laugh at one day a year.
I am sick of people asking me if I know how to Irish step dance because my hair is red. I mean, I do, but that’s not the point.
I am sick of people using this holiday as an excuse to be drunk and loud. Are Irish people drunk and loud? Yes, of course, but that does not mean that the rest of the world needs to make fun of them on this holy day.
Don’t even get me started on “Ginger Runs.” That is just sick. Are we a joke to you people? We are a dying breed. We are endangered. “Ginger Runs” are no better than when people put elephants in the zoo. It’s sick. You people are sick for making a mockery of us.
It’s time for St. Patrick’s Day to be celebrated by those who the holiday is meant for: Irish people. Specifically, Irish Catholics. That’s it.
Your last name should start with an O. Your skin should burn when the UV is 2. You should have a difficult relationship with your emotions and also alcohol.
If you want to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, I need you to follow this criteria. I can’t have just anybody celebrating my day anymore. I’ve had enough.
I will actually be implementing a test. Anyone who wants to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year will have to do the following three things:
- Explain, in detail, The Great Famine.
- Sing “I’m Shipping Up to Boston.”
- Point to where Ireland is on a map.
- Name five Irish actors (not including Cillian Murphy, Paul Mescal or Ayo Edebiri).
- Split the G.
If you can’t do those five things (especially the fifth one), you can’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day anymore.
You might be asking yourself if there is anyone who is specifically not allowed to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Obviously, the answer to that is yes.
People who are not allowed to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day are as follows:
- Americans who do bad Irish accents.
- Anyone who has ever said the word “ginger” but does not have red hair.
- Drunk people who pretend to dance along with Irish step dancers but really just look stupid.
- People whose favorite member of One Direction was not Niall.
- The British.
All of you are exempt from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. Sorry. Find another holiday.
I am not the only person who feels this way. I’m not even the only Villanova student who feels this way.
Villanova is the biggest Irish Catholic University in the United States. There isn’t one that’s better at sports. There isn’t one that is more famous. There is not one that has waitlisted me, so I had to come here instead.
Villanova University is the one and only Irish Catholic University, so, of course, there are a lot of Irish students here who agree with the idea of gatekeeping our holiday.
“This is the most important day of my year. I want to celebrate it without feeling ridiculed,” sophomore Emily Walsh said.
“My parents go all out for St. Patrick’s Day. It’s a bigger deal than me or my brother’s birthdays,” sophomore Clare Murphy said. “If you can’t say the same, maybe you shouldn’t be getting drunk on a random Monday.”
I could not agree more. St. Patrick’s Day isn’t just for anyone. It is a very serious holiday that should be treated as such.
It is time for the mockery and stereotypes to end. Are all of the stereotypes true? Yes, of course, they are. Irish people are emotionally stunted drunks. They have funny voices. Some of us have funny colored hair.
But you know who gets to make fun of us? Us. That’s it. We get to celebrate our holiday, and we get to make fun of our heritage.
Irish people have had a tough enough time in the past few hundred years. It’s time to give them a break. Let the Irish people have this one day. I am begging.
And please, don’t forget the reason for the season, our boy Patty. He died for our sins or something like that.
