The following content is purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read.
I love being a journalist. I love being a real-life, truth-telling, hard-hitting journalist. I have never given biased news, and I do not believe that anyone should. I do not make light of very serious current events, and I look down on people who do.
As a journalist, I care very much about the news getting to the masses. It is very important to me that the masses stay informed and educated.
So, without further ado, allow me to catch you up on any news you might have missed during the first half of the semester.
Out with the Old, In with the Sushi
Let’s start off close to home and discuss the new changes that have come to Villanova this semester.
Starting in Conn, we have two new additions: the new soda machine in Belle Air and Smoothitas, the rebranded version of Freshens.
Both of these Conn updates have taken the world by storm. I, for one, am thrilled about both of them. I will happily drink a fountain Vanilla Coke or a Bartley Banana Bananza any day.
The other new addition on campus is the sushi in Cova. I know, I know. This is super old news. But, I was just waiting to report on it until someone got food poisoning. A new, delicious sushi place doesn’t really make for great, hard-hitting journalism.
Alas, the food seems to be in tip-top shape. Congratulations, Cova. You bested this critic.
For those of you who are scared of change, don’t fret. There is still something that is staying the same for a considerable amount of time.
Of course, I am talking about the Falvey Library. Have no fear. The library won’t actually change locations until the turn of the century. I mean, the decade. I mean…it’ll probably be done soon. Maybe.
Rain, Sleet or Super Bowl Win, Villanova Never Closes
Sticking close to home, let’s discuss the hottest topic of the semester: the lack of snow days at Villanova.
Now, this doesn’t have to be Villanova’s fault. We can blame climate change for the lack of big snow storms. I’m happy to blame global warming for pretty much anything, especially if we only blame climate change and now the human beings who caused climate change.
However, there is really no defense to Villanova not closing for the Eagles Super Bowl Champions Parade. That was totally Villanova’s fault.
Hey, no big deal, I still went to the parade. I mean, I was sick that day. Couldn’t make it to class. Definitely.
In other news, Go Birds. World champs, baby.
Conclave: Based on a True Story?
With the Oscars coming up, I have been watching all the nominated movies. When I sat down to watch Conclave, the Mean Girls version of picking a new pope, I was not expecting it to hit so close to home.
From what I understand, Pope Francis isn’t terminally ill. However, he does seem really sick to me. I’m not a doctor or anything, but that guy really doesn’t look healthy, and phenomena in both lungs seems like a pretty big problem.
I definitely don’t think the Pope is dying, and I really think that he is very sick. But, wouldn’t it be so funny if this was just press for Conclave? I mean, how else was that movie supposed to compete with the Wicked press tour?
All I’m saying is that if Conclave wins Best Picture, don’t be surprised when Pope Francis is suddenly cured.
Yankee Doodle Vancey
There are a lot of things that I could cover from the new administration. There is a huge list of executive orders that I could explain and critique. However, I would like to focus on what I believe to be the most pressing matter to come out of this new presidency.
Historically, the vice president flies under the radar until they are absolutely needed, and I really figured JD Vance was going to follow that rule. You could imagine my surprise when I found out that less than a month into his vice presidency, Vance was behind the reversal of one of the longest-standing regulations in this nation.
Of course, I am talking about the Yankees grooming policy.
All baseball fans and players know about the grooming rule. It is everyone’s biggest fear when they get drafted. What if they get traded to the Yankees and they have to cut their beautiful locks or shave their beards? Brandon Marsh’s career would be over.
Thanks to the new VP and his commendable and inspiring beard, players have to worry no longer.
Now the worst thing that happens when players get traded to the Yankees is that they have to play for the Yankees.
