The following content is purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read!
With college acceptance season upon us, it is time to sit back and reflect on the decision we have made about our college experience. We can all remember applying to schools and anxiously updating application portals for months.
Whether it was our first choice or our last, we all ended up at Villanova.
But what makes a Villanova student? Why should students continue to apply here?
To help us understand what it truly means to be a Villanova student, I have laid out a very typical day in the life of a Villanova student.
Wake up.
Villanova students wake up similarly to how the main character in a 2000s movie wakes up. They push away their sleep mask, stretch and take a look at their calendar that carefully lists out everything they need to do that day.
What will they do today? Start a club? Cure cancer? Create an internet startup? Get a job on Wall Street? Shake hands with the president? All possible options.
Let’s just talk about a normal day of classes, though.
Breakfast.
All the most successful people have breakfast every morning because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You will never see a Villanova student skipping breakfast.
You will never see a Villanova student only having coffee for breakfast. You definitely will never see that.
Villanova students have breakfast every morning. How else would they get anything done?
Classes.
Villanova students are always overloading on credits. Each semester, they take as many credits as humanly possible, even if that means that they have five classes a day.
Five classes a day, five days a week is nothing for a Villanova student. If they could take more classes, they would.
Work.
Having class all day, every day doesn’t stop Villanova students from also holding down a job.
If they have their classes back to back, they can work after. If they have any time at all between their classes, they can fit a shift into that time.
Villanova students have all kinds of jobs. Typically, they will try to get a job as close to the job that they want in the future. Your future starts now.
However, any good Villanova student knows that any job looks good on a resume. Plus, if they’re really worth your salt, they can spin any job into a story that will get them the job they actually want.
It’s great to have an internship that will help you out one day, but Villanova students are nothing if not great gaslighters. They can make any job look like the perfect internship if they must.
Extracurricular Activities.
After class and work, it’s time for clubs and sports. Villanova isn’t just basketball. There are actually, like, a million other clubs and sports a person can join on campus.
In fact, each Villanova student is in at least 50 of those one million clubs. They can’t just be in one or two clubs. That’s not what Villanova students do.
Plus, they should be on the executive board of at least one of the clubs they are in. That’s the real Villanova way.
Social Activities.
Now that all the career building is done, it is time to hang out with friends, but they can’t just do one thing at a time.
Of course, Villanova students have friends and a social life. All college students do. It’s just that, here at Villanova, friends have to be networking tools, as well.
Villanova students are great at making friends. How else would they be able to network?
Gotta make those connections now, and I’m not talking about emotional connections.
Studying/Homework.
Now it’s time to spend at least five hours studying. All those classes you were in all day? Now it’s time to do the work for them.
Read, study, write, do problem sets. You have just about a million things to do now, and you will never get a break from that. You will always have homework at the end of the day.
Turn Back Time.
There are simply not enough hours in the day to do everything a Villanova student needs to do.
So, what do we do?
Do we do less work? Do we try not to spread ourselves so thin? Do we try to relax a little?
Of course not!
Each night, we secretly set all the clocks on campus back several hours so that we can fit more time into our day.
Because a day in the life of a Villanova student is not 24 hours. No, there would never be enough time for all of that in one day.
One day for a Villanova student is like three days for your average college student. It is kind of like how one day on Venus is, like, 200 Earth days.
