The following content is purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read!
Happy almost-Valentine’s Day. The day of love. The day of happiness and joy and wonder and everything good about the world – if you’re in a relationship, of course. If you’re single, it’s a little bit more complicated to find love in your heart on Feb. 14.
As a Valentine’s Day enthusiast, I think there is something for everyone on this glorious holiday, even you sad singles. It is a day of celebration for everyone, not just people tied down in monogamous relationships.
So, if you are single and looking for something to do this Valentine’s Day, check out my list of activities you can partake in to make your heart grow three sizes this year.
- Send a Villanova singing Valentine to your enemy at 7 a.m.
I love the Villanova Singers, and I rather enjoy their musical stylings. I would never speak ill against the group. I think that there is something really beautiful about sending a loved one a singing Valentine. I love that one episode of Glee, too. Trust me.
While a singing Valentine is a beautiful sentiment, there is also something uniquely cruel about subjecting anyone to a group of singers when they first wake up in the morning.
So, if you are in a happy relationship, or if you have love in your heart, send a singing Valentine at a normal time.
But, if you are a miserable, single person, send one to your arch-nemesis at the crack of dawn. Surely, that will bring a little love and joy to your otherwise horrific day.
- Pretend you’re in a sad breakup song.
Valentine’s Day gets a lot more entertaining when you pretend you’re single for some tragic reason. Maybe you’ve never actually been in a relationship, but for one day, why don’t you pretend that you’re single because your partner had to go off to war, or something?
Luckily for you, you don’t have to think too hard to come up with these fake scenarios. Breakup music spans all genres. You’ve got Olivia Rodrigo, Noah Kahan, Morgan Wallen, Kelly Clarkson and, of course, Taylor Swift.
Just put in your AirPods and listen to the most heart-wrenching songs you can find on your way to class this Friday.
Now, instead of just being lonely, you’re lonely with a story and a good soundtrack. You’re on track to be the main character in a coming-of-age movie.
- Scout campus for abandoned flowers.
Now, this one seems a little bit sadder than it actually is. I don’t mean that you should take abandoned flowers that were given to someone before a rejection. That’s just cruel.
No, I am talking about the flowers that got delivered to the wrong place. On Valentine’s Day, people love to send their long-distance loved ones flowers as if that makes up for not being there physically. Sometimes, those flowers get delivered to the wrong place.
If you just so happen to be walking past a building with an abandoned bouquet of roses sitting outside a random door, take them home for yourself. Well, first, make sure that you let a decent amount of time pass in case someone was coming to get them. Five minutes should do.
Bonus points if there is a note on the flowers. Poor Pookie won’t get her flowers from her Pumpkin, but you get a nice centerpiece and a card to commemorate the occasion.
- Listen to any and all public conversations.
I am pro-eavesdropping every day of the year, but there is something a little more special about eavesdropping on Valentine’s Day.
You might hear a woman complaining to her friend about how her boyfriend of multiple years didn’t ask her to be his Valentine. You might hear a guy telling his friend that he completely forgot that Valentine’s Day was a thing, and he now only has a few hours to figure out what to get his girlfriend.
You might hear people in long-distance relationships on the phone with their significant others, either thanking them for the flowers you did not steal or telling them it is just too hard to be away from them this holiday. If you’re lucky, you might just hear an over-the-phone breakup.
Eavesdropping on these conversations reminds you that people in relationships are crazy, and you are definitely better off without one. Plus, the conversations are typically ridiculously funny, so now you have something to laugh about. It’s a win-win.
Well, it’s a win-win for you. It’s probably not great for the person who just got broken up with.
But, hey, who cares about them? This list isn’t for people who are in happy and committed relationships. It’s for lonely losers.
After all, Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It’s about making fun of love.
