The following content is purely satirical. Don’t believe everything you read.
New year, new semester, new president. New me, new you, new everyone. This year, everyone and everything is changing, even if it is against our will.
We’re not even a month into 2025, and things are already looking completely different. It’s been pretty hard to keep up. The new you this year might just be someone with whiplash from trying to keep up with all the new things happening.
Lucky for you, I am an incredible journalist, and I have incredible sources. I have just been given all the updates that we need to know about this year. This is breaking news, hot off the press.
We might be learning some of this together. I might be a good journalist, but that doesn’t mean I have great time-management skills. I didn’t have time to look over the list before I started writing this, okay?
If you want to keep up with the ever-changing tides of this year, come on this journey with me as we learned the official Ins and Outs of 2025.
In: Mixing Metals
It’s official. You can wear gold and silver together this year. Get excited.
Out: Fast Fashion
I’m being serious. No SHEIN this year.
In: Timothée Chalamet
The youngest two-time best actor Oscar nominee. Go off. Hope he wins.
Out: Being Chalant
2025 is the year of nonchalant. No more being chalant.
In: Journaling
Get yourself a journal because we’re all doing it.
In: Hot Yoga
Last year was Pilates, but this year is the year of hot yoga.
Out: TikTok
TikTok was officially banned. We’ll never see it again.
In: TikTok
Hey, just kidding. TikTok is back. That was a crazy twelve hours. Stay safe out there.
Out (of Office): Joe Biden
Enjoy retirement. You should’ve probably done that a long time ago.
In (Office) (Again): Donald Trump
I do think it’s rather funny to be both the 45th and 47th president. You’ve got me there.
Out: Over-Consumption
Come on, guys. Let’s be mindful this year.
In (the Super Bowl):
Go *teams that got in*.
Out: Demure
Speaking of being mindful, please do not use this word this year. It’s done.
In: Tea
The drink, not the information. Apparently, it’s the new coffee or something.
Out: Room in Conn in the Afternoon
Say goodbye to being able to get a seat in Conn anytime while the sun is up.
In: “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”
The Taylor Swift song is charting super high this year so far. Not sure why.
Out (of jail): Insurrectionists
Welcome back to the free world, I guess.
In: (COVA): Sushi
Yes! Love the sushi. This is a great addition to 2025.
Out (of the Paris Climate Treaty): The United States
That can’t be good. I mean, what happens now?
In: Emilia Perez
Still not sure why this is in. it was not good. But congratulations on the Oscar nominations, I guess.
Out (of the World Health Organization): The United States
Wait, seriously? He can do that?
Yeah, no, I’m done. This list must be wrong. Sorry for giving you guys false information. There’s no way any of this is actually true.