The following content is purely satirical! Don’t believe everything you read!
As most of you know, I love to talk. I love a good yap. However, most people do not know that a yapper’s true strength is the secret and subtle art of eavesdropping.
A true yapper will go around listening to everyone’s conversations and use the little things they hear to start conversations with their friends. Some people might call this gossip. I don’t. At the end of the day, it’s simply journalism.
This semester, I took it upon myself to jot down some of the more intriguing comments I heard while eavesdropping on campus. I am going to share them in order from least concerning to most baffling.
Together, maybe we can figure out what on earth these people were talking about. At the very least, you can have as much fun as I did when I heard these things as an innocent passerby.
“I’ve been doing so well with all my teachers and all my classes.”
This was a very innocent and sweet comment I heard walking by the library during the first week of class. I could only imagine that these words came from the mouth of a freshman. My only question here is whether or not this freshman is still doing well with all their teachers and classes. Do you think they survived? Do they still have the same whimsy?
“This is my gripe with Villanova dining.”
While I am sure there are many gripes to be had with Villanova dining, I would love to know which one was being discussed here. If you said this on the phone walking by the Commons a few weeks ago, please reach out and let us know what your gripe was.
“They can’t curve a 0.”
I have personally benefited from a curve on an exam before, but I have never been down this bad. I need to know what class this poor young man received a 0 in, and more importantly, I need to know if he made a comeback. What happened with that curve?
“I don’t think people in Hawaii do Orgo.”
As much as I hate organic chemistry, I am almost certain that it is a pretty global thing. I would love to personally eradicate it, but I do not think that will ever happen.
I have to know: why do you think they wouldn’t have Orgo in Hawaii? Also, please let me know if you ever find a place in this world where I do not have to worry about substitution and elimination reactions.
“He has a lot of experience running his fingers through people’s hair.”
Now, this felt like a heated comment when I heard it walking by Conn one day, and I really want to know the context. Who is this man, and why does he have so much experience running his hands through people’s hair? Is he a hair stylist? Is running your fingers through someone’s hair the new first base? I need to know more.
“I finished the calligraphy that I needed to dry for tonight.”
I remember hearing this and having to do a double take. I was minding my own business walking to St. Mary’s when I heard this comment, and it has been plaguing my brain since then. The implication that someone has calligraphy that is due at a certain time is actually insane to me.
First of all, I didn’t know that calligraphy was something that people even knew how to do. I thought it was reserved for invitations to scary masquerade balls that end only in crime and heartbreak. I didn’t know college students were just walking around doing calligraphy, especially calligraphy that has a due date.
My other question, aside from when and how and why someone learns to do calligraphy, is how long calligraphy takes to dry. Was it a real concern that it wasn’t going to be dry on time?
“You’ll have to wear a diaper.”
This one might be my favorite for a plethora of reasons. The absolute resoluteness with which this was said was actually concerning. It wasn’t “you might need to take a bathroom break” or even “you might want to think about how this will affect your bladder or bowel.”
It was a plain and simple “you’ll have to wear a diaper.” There was no question. Whatever this person was getting up to absolutely required a diaper to be worn, and their friend was merely stating a simple fact.
The questions I have for the two people having this conversation are endless. I have to know what the activity that called for a diaper was. More importantly, I have to know if the diaper was actually put to use. These things keep me up at night.
