The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!
It’s officially “Christmas Season Eve.” I mean, Thanksgiving. Either way, it is time to start celebrating the holidays right now. No more sparingly listening to Christmas music. No more regular movies or TV shows. It is all Christmas, all the time.
Luckily for you, I love Christmas, and I know all the best ways to celebrate. So, please, sit back, relax and enjoy my patented Christmas recommendations.
Here’s how to do Christmas the Sof way, which of course, is the only way to do it right.
Food
Let’s start with something pretty basic but so important. As we all know, Christmas cookies are the best part of the holiday season. After all, it is how we pay Santa after he gives us hundreds of dollars’ worth of presents.
Last Christmas, I decided to get rid of all of my traditional family Christmas cookie recipes and just focus on one. What cookie recipe could possibly be more important than the ones that came over with my great-grandparents on the boat from Italy?
I think it’s pretty obvious. It’s Donna Kelce’s famous cookie recipe. Yes, Donna Kelce, the mother of Jason and Travis Kelce, has a famous cookie recipe.
I am being serious when I say that the cookies are so good that you will forget about every other cookie you have ever had before. These cookies are good enough that they will make you forget about your family and only focus on the most important family in the world: the Kelces.
Movies
I am not going to recommend any of the classics. We all know them, and you either love them or you hate them.
What I will try to convince you to do is watch Hallmark holiday movies. There is something so beautiful and amazing about a bad holiday movie. I want to watch a Christmas movie so bad that it makes me almost die of both embarrassment and boredom. It’s my favorite holiday tradition.
This year, there are two new Hallmark holiday movies that are calling my name. The first is Christmas on Call, a story about two first responders living in Philly during the holiday season. The second is Hollywood Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story, which is unsurprisingly about a Kansas City Chiefs fan falling in love for Christmas.
I am personally very excited for both of these movies. There is just something about falling in love with a boy from Philly or Kansas City. There’s something about those two cities. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Oh, did I mention that Donna Kelce is in both of these movies?
Music
At this point, we all know that there are only, like, 10 Christmas songs. I am not kidding. People just keep making covers of the same songs over and over again.
Some people say that Frank Sinatra’s version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is better than Judy Garland’s. Some people say that Michel Bublé’s “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” is better than Bing Crosby’s. Most people would argue that the only version of “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” is Bruce Springsteen’s version.
Really, all of that is up for your own interpretation. My personal favorite version of every Christmas song comes from the Eagles. No, not the actual band. I’m talking about the three Philadelphia Eagles (Jason Kelce, Jordan Mailata and Lane Johnson) who make up the Philly Specials.
The group, along with other Eagles players and Philly icons, created its first “A Philly Special Christmas” album in 2022. Last year, it came back with another album, this time including original songs, and one song with Travis Kelce.
Just last week, it released its third Christmas album, full of more covers and some originals. There are also features by Stevie Nicks, Boys II Men and Travis Kelce (again). Most importantly to me, the new album has a Kylie Kelce feature, and Kylie Kelce is the most important person in my world.
I can confirm that all three albums contain my favorite versions of every single Christmas song. I do not need “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley because I can hear Jason Kelce sing it whenever I want. I listen to Jason and Travis sing “Fairytale of Philadelphia” all year ‘round. It might be my favorite song of all time, forget about just Christmas.
There really is no comparison to these songs. They are the best of all time, and I will never listen to another version of any of the covers. If a Christmas song is not by the Philly Specials, I’m not listening to it.
I hope that you all use my recommendation and celebrate Christmas the Sof way this holiday season. Or maybe I should say the Kelce way. God, I really wish I were a Kelce.
