The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!

Dear Freshmen,

Normally, I wouldn’t care too much about you guys, but it’s practically the holiday season. So, I’m taking it upon myself as your elder to give you a little bit of sage advice.    

I am doing this out of the kindness of my heart, so please be grateful. I am here to advise you on a very interesting part of your young journey. In the next few weeks, you are going to encounter something that you never have before. You are going to experience something for the first time in your very young life.

What am I talking about? Well, isn’t it obvious? Going home for Thanksgiving!

This might not be the first time you’ve gone home this semester, but it is going to be the first time that you are back home with all your childhood friends. This is the first time you’re going to be seeing them since you started college.

Going home for Thanksgiving for the first time your freshman year is actually a “canon event.” I say that with the utmost sincerity because I think that term is overused and a little dumb. If I am saying something overused and dumb, it must be really serious.

Everything is going to be different when you get home, but literally nothing is going to have changed. The problem is that you changed. That’s the beauty of college, but it also ruins some stuff.

It’s great that you changed. It’s great that you’re finding out who you are. But while you were finding out who you were, all your friends from high school were doing the same thing.

You’re growing and changing at the same time, and that might mean that you’re growing apart. You might not actually be the best friends you were last year. And it’s going to be weird.

And I know, I know. “But, we’ve been talking and texting this whole semester!” I know that. But it’s different. You’re going to see them in person, and they’re going to be a different person. Or, even worse, you won’t see them at all.

You might think that is the worst-case scenario, but in the spirit of warning you about the dangers of Thanksgiving, let me tell you about a really important phenomenon: turkey dumping.

“Turkey dumping” is when you see your significant other for the first time during your first semester of college at Thanksgiving, and they break up with you. It is a very real thing, and I am merely telling you that it is a possibility.

To my freshman friends who are in romantic relationships right now, there is a very real possibility that you will not be in the coming weeks. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.

Now, if you are the person thinking of turkey dumping your significant other (because like I said, you’re changing too), please do. I actually think it would be so funny. It’s a funny word, and it would probably make an otherwise boring holiday more fun.

Plus, I am so against long-distance relationships in college.

Oh, did I bury the lead a little? Yeah, I hate long-distance relationships in college. You should not be in one. Please, freshman, do not be in one. I am begging: turkey dump your long-distance significant other.

I don’t even think that long-distance relationships hold you back all that much. I just think that they’re dumb. They’re more tedious and annoying than they are loving.

It’s kind of like having a Nintendog. You have to remember to look at your phone and take care of the thing. I don’t know about you, but I always forgot to feed my Nintendogs. Basically, it’s time to put your Nintendog out of its misery.

And, hey, while you’re at it, turkey dump your long-distance friends too. The likelihood of you staying friends with your high school friends is super low anyway. Just cut them off now. It’s still early. It probably won’t even hurt that much.

Let me ask you a serious question: before I brought up these long-distance friendships, when was the last time you thought of them? No, seriously. When was the last time you actually acknowledged their existence? Probably a while ago.

You’re not the same person you were in high school, and they aren’t either. You’ve grown apart, whether you want to admit it or not. It’s time to move on. It’s easier this way.

I am so in favor of the turkey dump it’s ridiculous. Like I said, the concept is actually hilarious. Plus, I really do think you would benefit from it.

So, in two weeks when you get home, make sure the first thing you do is break up with your significant other and your old friends. It’s in your best interest.