The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!
For the second year in a row, there is not an ounce of my soul that cares about the Major League Baseball World Series, which is heartbreaking considering that I love baseball. So, no, I do not actually care about the World Series, and I am not going to be watching it. However, like all Philly sports fans, I am going to give my opinion, even when I am mad and especially when it is unwanted.
This year’s World Series features the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Yankees, which is cool for them, but I do not care.
The biggest thing about the Dodgers is Shohei Ohtani. He’s this super-mega talented, double-threat who the Dodgers will pay more than any other baseball player in the entire league. It was his first season with the Dodgers, and they are going to the World Series. There might not be a direct correlation there, but it can be argued.
I don’t think anyone should be paid $70 million to do anything, but I guess he’s good at his job and breaks some records. It’s supposed to be this super big deal that he can hit and pitch, but I also did that when I played softball in middle school for free.
Now, listen, I was actually flying into LA when the Dodgers won the NLDS and moved onto the NLCS, and I saw the fireworks erupting as I flew over the city. It was really cool, and that is the only positive thing you will be getting out of me on that front. Also, I do actually really like Freddie Freeman. But, whatever, I don’t care about the Dodgers.
I actually didn’t know that people still liked the Yankees. I thought it was just a thing for old Italian men. Like something that used to mean something “back in their day,” but nobody actually cared about them anymore. I thought the team won its 27 titles, and that was enough for them. It was news to me that was not the case.
I am not kidding when I say that I know nothing about the Yankees. Like, I know some of the names (Anthony Rizzo, Giancarlo Stanton, Juan Soto), and that’s only because they sound like every other man from New York City. You could tell me that Anthony Volpe was a character on The Sopranos, and I would have to believe you.
I have no idea if the Yankees are actually good. They might be. They might not be. I don’t know. They were good a million years ago, but are they now?
Above all else, my biggest problem with this year’s World Series is that it is exactly what you would expect it to be. The two teams fighting for the top spot are the biggest dynasty in all of baseball and a team who has the fifth-highest paid athlete in the entire world.
Of course they are the two teams in the World Series.
Of course a team that has won a million times is going to win again.
Of course, a person who is paid more than God himself is going to perform well and bring his team the win.
That’s just not fun, and it’s not exciting. I don’t want to see that. I want to see some emotion. I want to see something I have never seen before. I want to see the Phillies. Win. The. World. Series.
I wasn’t going to bring them up, but I really can’t refrain myself any longer. You want to know why? Because the Phillies are the greatest team in baseball.
They have all the potential. They have the star players. They have the big bats and the golden gloves. Most importantly, they’re all pretty and funny and nice, and I love them. They deserve to win.
I deserve to watch them win. I spend six months watching 162 games (give or take a lot), and they give me nothing back. I’m sick of it. This is a toxic relationship. I’m never going to stop loving them, and they are never going to stop hurting me. I know something is wrong, but I’m not going to leave them.
If you really want to know who I want to win the World Series, I will tell you. I don’t think you’ll be surprised by my answer, actually.
Whom do I want to win the World Series? The Dodgers. Because the fireworks and Freddie Freeman and my love for the city? No. Because I think they’re the better team? Also no.
I want the Dodgers to win the World Series because the last time the Yankees won the World Series, it was in 2009 against the Phillies. It’s time for my revenge, even if I am still super mad at those losers.
