The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe everything you read!
With the election coming up, not only is it time for students to exercise their civic duty of voting for the nominee they think is the best fit for office, but it is also time for students to exercise the possibly more important civic duty of judging everyone who votes for the people they did not vote for.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve become really good at judging people based on their political beliefs. And, honestly, I kind of judge you if you aren’t judging people this election season.
If we’re gonna live in a divisive country, we might as well be super divisive about it. Judge people because they’re probably judging you, anyway. It’s the only way you’ll survive this election season.
Now, it’s not really a great practice to walk around and ask people who they are planning on voting for, so here are five questions to ask instead of “Who are you voting for?” this election season.
1. Do you have a red hat I can borrow?
This one might be a little bit on the nose, but I think it’s a really great place to start.
2. Who is your favorite couple on Dancing with the Stars?
This question is almost like cheating because it is basically asking who you are voting for because you do vote for the couples on Dancing with the Stars. Now, technically who you are voting for on DWTS doesn’t directly compare with who you are voting for in the election, but it does show your character.
If a person’s favorite couple is Emma and Reginald VelJohnson, they are super nice because they like old people. However, if their favorite couple is Britt and Eric Roberts, they like old people, but they like the wrong kind of old people, the ones who are in weird movies and are mean to Julia Roberts. There is a lot that can be said about someone who is voting in this presidential election and likes the wrong kind of old person.
If a person’s favorite couple is either Rylee and the Pommel Horse Guy or Alan and Ilona Maher, they probably watched the Olympics, which makes them a true patriot. They are voting for someone who is also a true patriot. I don’t know which presidential candidate they consider to be more patriotic, but I certainly know which one does not have patriotic values.
3. Did you see Taylor Swift at the Chiefs game?
This is an easy one, but it varies with gender.
If a woman responds with, “Yes, and she looked so good,” chances are she is voting for the same person Taylor Swift is voting for. If a woman responds, “I don’t understand why she has to make such a big deal out of everything she does,” she probably hates other women, so you can imagine she will not be voting for one.
If a man responds, “I watched it with my daughter,” then he clearly cares about the future for girls in this country, so you know who he’s voting for. If he responds, “Yeah, she’s ruining football for everyone,” then I’m pretty sure you know what that means.
4. Have you ever gone to a Morgan Wallen concert?
This might be the only question you have to ask to know who someone is voting for. They can give you three very important answers that will tell you all you need to know.
If a person says that country music really isn’t their thing, you can probably deduce who they would vote for. It doesn’t tell you much, but it tells you something.
If a person says something along the lines of “I saw him years ago, but I don’t support him anymore,” then you can understand where their political views line up today. This might also mean that who they are voting for now is not the same person they voted for last time.
However, if they say, “Oh, yeah, I went to his last tour. Love that guy,” then they actively support a racist felon. There you go.
5. How’s it going?
You can also substitute “How you are?” or “What’s up?” for this one. The election is kind of all-consuming for some people, so they might just bring it up on their own. They might not say exactly who they are voting for, but if they immediately bring up the election as soon as you start talking to them, it’ll probably slip out.
Chances are if they’re super into it, they’ll just tell you. It’s kind of that easy.
