The following content is purely satirical! Don’t believe everything you read!
It’s about that time of year, Villanovans. It’s time for us to all get together to speculate about someone who is 100% going to let us down. No, I’m not talking about the election. I’m talking about Hoops Mania.
I know that we all have our ideas about who is going to be performing. Some of us might even have connections who can find out for us. But, it really is a mystery until we get to see who it is with our own eyes. Or, when we have to look up who it is because it’s someone we’ve literally never heard of.
Anyway, I decided to give you my predictions for who is going to be performing for us this year. I have compiled the top-10 acts most likely to grace Hoops with their presence this week. I even put them in order of least to most likely.
I like to pretend I know more than the average person, but these really are just guesses. I do feel pretty good about them though. Like, seriously, I have faith in these predictions. So, get excited.
10. Rick Ross
Look, I don’t want a repeat of last year, but, in the year of our Lord and savior Travis Kelce, who am I to say no to a repeat? If the Chiefs can go back-to-back, so can Rick Ross. Maybe we’ll even get a three-peat next year.
9. Flo-Rida
I don’t know much about Flo-Rida, but I do know that he performs at colleges. Like, I think it’s his whole thing these days. He’s an obvious pick, but I’m more of a dark horse guy myself. But, hey, get your apple bottom jeans ready just in case.
8. Earth, Wind & Fire
It’s no coincidence that Hoops Mania falls on Sept. 20. And, okay, I know that it’s the 21st night of September that they talk about in the song, but if you think about it, the first night of September is when it strikes midnight on Sept. 1, which means by the time Sept. 20 rolls around, it’s actually the 21st night.
7. Flavor Flav
As we saw this summer, Flavor Flav loves sports. He, like, coached that Olympic team or whatever. So, it makes sense that he would want to support Villanova basketball. Plus, my roommate actually knows Flavor Flav, so he would probably do it as a favor to her.
6. JoJo Siwa
As the number one JoJo Siwa-hater, it does pain me to say this. I would rather sit in silence than see her perform, but I had to include her. She’s had too good of a year. She literally redefined the music industry. There’s a real possibility that she could be singing “Karma” at the Finn this week.
5. The Beatles (All Four)
Does anyone remember when they released that new Beatles song last year? Two of those guys are dead, and they released a new song. I don’t think it’s crazy to suggest they could also figure out a way to perform live, too. And wouldn’t it be so amazing for their first performance back to be at Hoops Mania?
4. Sabrina Carpenter
Did you know that Sabrina is from Quakertown, which is like a half hour away? Well, I did. And I know for a fact that there is totally a chance she’ll want to pay homage to her hometown by playing at Hoops Mania. Please, please, please, let it be Sabrina.
3. Kendrick Lamar and Drake
What better place to work out their issues than at Hoops Mania? Kendrick Lamar had his whole thing a few months ago when he got all his friends to come out and sing about how much they hated Drake. Now, it’s time for them to squash this beef in front of the Villanova students who were lucky enough to win the lottery. It’s all been leading up to this.
2. One Direction
We all know that a One Direction reunion is going to happen in the next few years. Why not at Hoops? Zayn does live in Bucks County. What if they are all staying with him on his farm as we speak? I bet they are.
1. Taylor Swift
We all know that it’s going to be Taylor Swift, right? Like, we all know it. She doesn’t have an Eras Tour show, and she’s from Philly. Plus, listen to this: Hoops Mania is on Sept. 20, which is 9/20. Nine plus two equals 11, which is two less than 13. But you know what equals two? The two fingers you put up when you give the signature Villanova “Vs up.” 13. It’s 13. It’s Taylor Swift. And, she’s probably going to announce Reputation (Taylor’s Version) while she’s here.
