They say that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and this summer, he really put this incredibly brave girl through the ringer. Do you know how difficult it is to be a chronically online satire columnist and not be able to write about current events for a whole summer?
Well, now it’s my chance to make up for lost time. Full disclosure: the jokes I am about to make are incredibly untimely, but let’s lean into it. Let me enjoy my little jokes that would have done a lot better if I made them two months ago.
Also, in case some of you didn’t have your finger on the pulse of everything pop culture this summer, allow for this to be your refresher. You’re welcome.
The Olympics: A Femininomenon
See, even my little header is a reference to a summer trend. I told you that I was chronically online.
Anyway, I don’t think there is any other way you can describe the 2024 Summer Olympics besides a “Femininomenon.” I’m actually pretty positive that no men competed in the Olympics. Like, I think there were only women there.
I’m sorry, there actually was one man who mattered, but he only mattered because he was married to Tara Davis-Woodhall. I’m sure you can imagine how many edits I saw of the Olympian and her Paralympian husband set to the song “The Alchemy” by Taylor Swift. If you haven’t seen any, I am worried about your current habitat under the biggest rock in the world, and I suggest you try to get out of there as soon as possible.
Other than that, all that mattered were the female athletes. Why would you focus on a man when you can focus on Katie Ledecky? And, don’t even get me started on the Women’s Gymnastics Team.
The U.S. Women’s Team brought home more than half of the USA’s medals. Like, sure, the pommel horse guy was cool and Steph Curry is, like, talented or whatever, but the girls came home with 67 out of 126 medals. I think that next time we should only send women and see what happens.
Musicians: They’re Not Like Us
Music was also completely dominated by women this summer. I don’t think we heard from a single man, which is ideal, of course. It was all Chappell Roan and Sabrina Carpenter and Charli XCX and the Eras Tour in Europe.
Don’t get it twisted, though. Plenty of guys enjoyed the pop girl summer, too. Don’t let them lie to you. Anyone who didn’t enjoy the music of this summer, what’s holding you back? Join the dark side. Or, should I say the neon green side?
Yes, my summer was very brat, as they say. Obviously, I know all the moves to the “Apple” dance and Jake Shane’s choreography to “Guess featuring Billie Eilish.” If you don’t, maybe you should look into it. All the cool kids were doing it when it was actually a popular trend a month ago.
Music also played a pretty big role in politics this summer. Donald Trump was forced to stop playing several artists’ songs at his rallies because they do not support him. On the other hand, Charli XCX herself proclaimed that Kamala Harris was “brat.” Really tells you something, doesn’t it?
Glen Powell: My Husband (Real)
I watched every movie and TV show this summer. Like actually.
I have to say that the best thing by far was Glen Powell. Um, I mean Twisters. Twisters was the best movie because of the plot and the action, of course. Not because I’m obsessed with Glen Powell being a tornado cowboy or whatever. With that being said, I did see Twisters twice.
My recommendations? Don’t see Longlegs unless you want to have your eyes closed for two hours. Don’t see Inside Out 2 if you have ever been a teenage girl because you will cry the whole time. Don’t watch The Bear if you’re stressed out. Don’t watch Bridgerton with your family.
My biggest recommendation goes out to those of you who didn’t watch anything I just listed. Please, stop being lame.
Tiktok: They Both Reached for Demure
Yeah, there were some great Tiktok trends this summer. We all get it. They both reached for the gun. Whatever. I only want to talk about one thing right now.
I just want it to be known that I followed the demure girl (Jools Lebron, of course) way before anyone else did. I’m telling you that I was one of the first likes on the first video. I’m not kidding. Please, I was supposed to be in the video. You have to believe me.
Haven’t I proved that I was chronically online already?
