In the wise words of Jason Kelce, “We have to talk about it.” I would not be able to call myself a journalist if I didn’t write about this topic. What topic might that be? Taylor Swift’s newest album The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology.
This saga all started on Feb. 4, when every single Swiftie was positive that Swift was going to announce her newest rerecording, reputation (Taylor’s Version), at the Grammy Awards. They were right that she was going to announce an album, but they were very wrong about what it was going to be. Swifties all over the world were shocked when Swift announced her newest album, The Tortured Poets Department (known as “TTPD,” by fans) was coming out on April 19.
The next theory that Swifties came up with was that this was going to be a double album. Suddenly, everywhere Swifties looked, there were twos. There were countless photos of Swift and her friends holding up two fingers, including one from the night that Swift announced the new album. There was also a clip from the newest episode of Travis Kelce’s podcast where he just kept saying “two.” There was only one obvious conclusion here: TTPD was going to be a double album that was going to be released at 2 a.m..
The only problem with this theory was that it wasn’t the first time Swifties thought it was going to happen. According to Swifties, every album their favorite singer releases is going to be a double album.
Swifties are crazy. They have theories about everything. They are wrong almost 100% of the time. I can say all of this because I am a Swiftie, and I do theorize about everything, and I am wrong, like, all of the time.
A broken clock is right twice a day, right? Well, this broken clock was right at 2 a.m. on April 19 when The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology was announced.
Obviously, the newest album was going to be about Swift’s newest ex-boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, right? Wrong. Very wrong, actually.
Everyone was so positive that this was going to be a Folklore 2.0, this time with Alwyn as the villain, instead of the hero. But, there was a new villain in town: Matty Healy. While there are songs that are very much about Alwyn (cough, “So Long, London,” cough), it’s obvious that there was definitely a different muse for most of the album, and that muse just so happens to be the loser front man of The 1975.
Most of the time, when Swifties hate an ex, they bring up their hatred for them constantly, even if the ex doesn’t actually deserve it (I am a Jake Gyllenhaal fan, and I am not going to apologize). In the case of Healy, fans refuse to acknowledge that he exists. Everyone wants to forget about May of 2023, but now there is a whole album solidifying Healy’s spot in the “long list of ex-lovers.”
He is not the only muse, though (thank God). Like I said, there are some songs about Alwyn, but I am positive that fans would agree that he got off far too easy. Has he ever personally wronged me? No. Do I think he deserved a million mean songs written about him? Yes.
Enough about these two epic losers, though, because there is a new muse in Swift’s life, and that muse just so happens to be Travis Kelce.
Before the album came out, I decided to do a blind ranking of all the songs, and I decided that “The Alchemy” was going to be my favorite. You could imagine my happy surprise when I listened to the song, and it was about my favorite man, Travis Kelce. I was right to think it was going to be my favorite song, of course.
Also, I have to give a shoutout to my favorite line on the whole album: “You know how to ball; I know Aristotle.” If that does not describe “Tayvis,” I actually do not know what does.
There is one more person I have yet to talk about. Is it Kim Kardashian with the song “thank you, aIMee?” Nope. Is it Charlie Puth? Nope.
I am obviously talking about myself. I was clearly referenced in the song “Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus.” It might technically be spelled a different way, but when Taylor Swift sings “Sophia,” it sounds a heck of a lot like “Sofia.” So, yes, the song is about me actually.
So, thank you, Taylor, not only for this perfect and incredibly confusing album but for being as crazy as we are. Only a sick, sick person would bait-and-switch their fans in such a way. If Swifties are crazy, it’s only because she made us this way.
