The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. Don’t believe every- thing you read!
This is my formal apology to the city of Philadelphia, its surrounding areas and really anyone who loves sports. Recently, there has been a plague on Philadelphia sports. This year, with one bad National League Championship Series attempt and one incredibly upsetting NFL season, it is obvious that Philly sports have an issue, and that issue is me. I have cursed Philly sports, and I am here to apologize.
This all started last March when I bought a Rhys Hoskins jersey. Hoskins had been a steady, consistent and reliable beating heart of the Phillies for six years. For six years, I was a silent fan who owned no merch. The day after I bought that jersey, he tore his ACL. He didn’t play the rest of the season, and his contract ended. He’s no longer on the Phillies. By buying that jersey, I tore the beating heart out of the city of Philadelphia, and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Without Hoskins, the Phillies didn’t have the manpower nor the spirit to make it to the World Series, and that is entirely my fault.
During Fall Semester, I became friends with a Texas Rangers fan (not to be confused with a Philly Phanatic, if I’m even allowed to use that word anymore). I quickly learned that Kaitlyn Walker’s team was going to make it to the World Series, while I accidentally cursed mine. Although Walker already hated Philly sports and had some very choice words to say about them that I will not share, she agreed that I definitely put a curse on the Phillies.
“Yeah, Sof cursed the Phillies, and I got to benefit from it,” Walker said. “It was kind of funny.”
During Fall Semester, I was lucky enough to explain both the game of baseball and the Phillies-lore to another freshman. Unfortunately, a few minutes into my explanation of baseball, Fatima Salman began to cry, as it was just too much to bear.
“Anyone who can make you cry while explaining a sport definitely has the ability to curse that sport,” Salman said, when asked about the curse.
Like I said, the curse isn’t just limited to baseball, though. It is all Philly sports, and possibly just sports, in general. I never liked the Eagles. I just wasn’t a fan. I can’t be blamed for the Super Bowl loss last year, but I can be blamed for the massacre that was its second half of the 2023 season. I watched as the team dominated for the first half of the season, and I was impressed. In December, I decided to ask for Eagles merch for Christmas. The second I put that Jason Kelce jersey on my Christmas list, the season took a turn, and all of a sudden Kelce was practically announcing his retirement. I do not have words to express the guilt I have over that. If it wasn’t for me, maybe a different Kelce would be celebrating a Super Bowl win this month.
I would like to make a special apology to my school, as well. Now, I only attended one football game during Fall Semester. As soon as I got there, it started to storm, and play had to be paused. This was the only bad omen I needed. That was enough for me to know not to attend any more football games, even if I desperately wanted to. Luckily, I didn’t mess anything up too badly, and we kept a winning record.
I have yet to attend any basketball games, men’s or women’s, because I am too scared to bring my bad energy into the equation. However, I think my curse might have seeped through my application last year. Since I applied here, the men’s basketball record has registered several losses, as compared to previous years. It did not look this way during the 2021-2022 season. There is only one thing that could have caused this very dramatic shift: me. That’s the only logical explanation. Please do not blame Kyle Neptune. You have to blame the real villain here.
Unfortunately for Villanova, I do intend to stay here until my graduation in three years, and wherever I go, my curse is bound to follow. I just hope you all have it in yourselves to forgive me.
Maybe one day I will be able to harness this curse for good, but for now, I would just like to say how sorry I am for everything that was put into motion by my love of this area and its sports. So, before the Phillies’ season officially begins in a few weeks, let me just say that if anything goes wrong, it’s my fault. Forgive me, Bryce Harper. I know not what I do.
