After the overwhelming success of my last article (only one person came out and admitted they didn’t like it), I’ve decided to do somewhat of a follow up, this time not so much about relationships, but instead about the two key components: men and women. Aside from the obvious anatomical and biological differences, there are countless other subtle differences in the way men and women act, think and do just about everything.

I’ll start with what I know most about: men. Men are basically just little boys in big bodies. We like video games, hanging out with friends, and generally just being stupid with one another. Some lie, some cheat, and some steal, and then some lie about doing all three of those things. Why? Because we’re men. Oftentimes it seems easier to lie than to tell the truth, even about mundane things that don’t matter to us at all. When caught off guard, whatever the question may be, I am a pathological liar. I’m not really sure why, I just lie before I even think about it, and after it’s out, there’s no sense in going back to clarify because doing so would cause some matter of altercation.

It is this lying, though, that gets us into most of our trouble. Like I said, guys are just big boys with cooler things to do and play with; we really mean no harm. But when we get in trouble for something or other, we’ve lied so much about everything under the sun that we’re not really sure if we really did that for which we’re getting busted for.

This is, you see, one of the fundamental differences between man and woman. I mentioned in my last article how not to argue with your girlfriend, but I didn’t really explain why. Well, here it is: arguing with a woman is like trying to stump a super computer that has been programmed to collect and store every detail of your life since you were born. Follow me if you can: in an argument, a woman is like a hand with 20 fingers, with each one marking a page in her Cliff’s Notes version of all the things you’ve ever done wrong. Men, on the other hand, are more like a hand with one swollen thumb and several stone tablets, etched with crude pictographs of facts that might save your hide. Needless to say, this is an impossible battle.

Aside from arguing, men and women do multitudes of things differently: For instance, next time you need directions somewhere, separately ask a guy and a girl. A girl’s directions will be something along the lines of, “Okay, you know where the K-mart is? On Lancaster? Well go down to the K-mart and turn left at the light, there should be a gas station on the right, an Exxon or something, okay? Then you go down a ways until you see a green house on your right, its got big columns and rose bushes in the front; well the house is right across the street from that one”.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just different from a man’s directions which are less landmark-oriented, something like, “Okay, go down Lancaster about a mile, mile-and-a-half, and you’ll come to Sparrow St. You’re gonna want to turn left at the light there, then go past two stop signs, and the house is the third on your left, I think it is 3544.” See now? Vastly different styles. Which is more effective? I’m not sure, but I would venture to guess that a woman might find the first set easier and a man the second.

The differences just go on and on; women like dozens roses, men 12 packs of Corona; women sit down to pee, men stand up: women will call just to say hello, men will call while sitting outside your place to ask why you’re not ready yet. Now before you get all up in arms about stereotypes and all that jazz, the great thing about men and women is all the contradictions between them. We need one another – that’s the bottom line. It works out great, because women cook and clean, and men eat and make stuff dirty. No, no, I’m just kidding. But we have to be able to joke about this stuff; if we don’t have humor, what do we have?

Trying to venture into the minds of my female readers, I can imagine them thinking: The big problem is men never tell us how they feel, or show us any emotion … but this isn’t entirely true. Ask a guy about his first dog and when Rover went onto puppy heaven, and you might get a little watering of the eyes. Even some movies can move us to tears. Personally, I always tear up at the end of “Aladdin” when the genie gets freed. I mean, he’s just SO happy. Anyway, women aren’t exactly the masters of conveying feelings and emotions. Oh, you’ll let us know you’re upset, but you’ll be tarred and feathered before you tell us why. So while men aren’t as a rule overtly emotional and generous with their feelings, at least when we do reveal them, they are genuine and tender.