Well, despite the objections of nearly anyone who can read, I’m back at the keyboard pounding out another article. This time, however, I’ve gathered you all ’round to talk about that eight-headed rabid beast we all know as the relationship. I’m talking that special relationship. Romantic feelings are among the best a person can ever feel, that anticipation of the next meeting, the nervous excitement that seems to permeate through all of your encounters be it boy-girl, girl-girl, or boy-boy (I’m not sure I’m qualified enough to delve into any other combinations).

Of course, as with all things, there is the flip side of the coin. There is another kind of nervous anticipation that isn’t nearly as blissful as what I previously mentioned. If the thought of seeing your significant other makes you want to stab yourself in the eye with a pencil, things may not be so euphoric in love land.

Now I know what you’re thinking: who does this guy think he is, trying to tell me how to deal with my problems? Let me include a small disclaimer here. I in no way will pretend to know what I’m talking about. In fact, if you have a relationship that you want to work out, my best advice is to stop reading and move on to the next article. But, if you’re in the mood for a few thoughts on relationships, or just want to feel better about yourself by reading about someone more screwed up than yourself, by all means, carry on.

I’m not here to offer solutions, for, as I’ve made clear, I have none. If I had all the answers I’d put them all together in a book, make millions of dollars, drop out of college and buy a small island in the Caribbean. This, however, is even less likely than me being in a functional relationship. As with many of you, I seem to suffer from the “I’m not happy unless I’m miserable” syndrome. My life is not complete without a screaming fight that ends with, “Well, fine, then, I don’t ever want to talk to you again!” Followed by the 2 a.m. “I’m sorry, I love you, let’s never fight again” call (much to the chagrin of my roommate). But hey, what can you do? You have to play along, following the rules of the game that change just about every 30 seconds.

And however angry this might make my male readers, I’m going to just state the fact that when it comes right down to it, women are in charge. There’s no question about that. Why is this so? I’m not really sure; but I will say that looks are not the answer. You show me the most insanely gorgeous woman in the world, and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of her shenanigans. So I don’t really think that can be it. But don’t worry guys, we are not going to be rendered obsolete, for without us, who would fix the car, kill those bugs or open all those damn jars? We’re safe, at least for awhile.

Now, although I promised not to offer a little bit of advice, however, only for the men in the audience.

Women already have too many advantages, and frankly, I don’t know what I could say that they wouldn’t already know. Anyway, guys, the most important two phrases you can have in your vocabulary are: a) I’m sorry and b) you were right, I was wrong. These two simple phrases can save you hours of pain and suffering and when used in conjunction with one another, are almost unstoppable.

Even if you know you are right without a doubt, even if SHE knows you are right, the argument will go on until both of you are dead, or you say those magic words, “I’m sorry. You were right, I was wrong.” And voila, it’s over, just as easy as that. So remember, guys, no matter what’s said or what happens, we are always wrong, and they are always right.