MTV’s new series keeps it ‘real’ly hilarious

Ryan Doyle

When the producers behind “The Real World” and “Road Rules” decided America not only wanted, but needed, another crossover series, they spent almost five minutes churning over ideas for the new show. I imagine they ruminated — should it be a conservative talk show, akin to “The View?” Of course not, the producers know their audience well and figured sending out 36 alumni to sunny Jamaica would provide them plenty of shots of the cast in their bathing suits and, if they were lucky, perhaps less.

With the decision to produce Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes, they then had to decide which of the well respected denizens of reality television to invite to the challenge. For some reason they were expecting only a handful of people to respond. These people had lives, and a career that they could not just leave at a drop of the hat, right? Wrong. This new reality spin-off gives us a huge cast of 36 people, all just waiting to do something that would make their family disown them, if they have not already. Since doing an article on all 36 would be quite an extensive read, I have decided to cut each team down into its all stars and explain why they are on the list. Congratulations to for actually giving each cast member a score based on their crying, fighting and hook-up skills.

Let us start off with the guys …

Eric N – From the original “Real World,” and former host of MTV’s “The Grind.” He has a disappointing five out of 15 rating on, but that could all change if he ends up with Veronica, who just might be half his age, as Puck has suggested.

Colin – Coming from at perhaps the third-best Real World House in Hawaii (behind Las Vegas and Seattle), Colin comes in scoring only a five out of 15, falling flat on crying and fighting but scoring a 60 percent on hookups. Many people think Colin is fairly average, and to those people who consider’s MTV’s selections as beautiful people, I would like to point out that there is such a thing as a normal person on this show. He has already made his team carry him out on a couch after he sprained his ankle, which earns bonus points with me, gaining some credibility after hooking up with Amaya during their season. Colin, those points will increase if you can make Amaya cry this season. I’m not asking you, I’m demanding.

LaTerrian – There is not much that can be said about LaTerrian that hasn’t already been said, because this kid is apparently all talk. While he may be physically intimidating, he failed to get the job done, being the (second or third?) contestant eliminated from the show. But man, the guy just might be bearable if didn’t hype himself up before every challenge and consider this posse of strangers his “dawgs.”

James – Looking at his scores, James appears to be the perfect guy, scoring a Perfect Guy Score of 11 (that’s one for crying, five for hooking up, and five for fighting) on, but if you go beyond those numbers, he is not. Not only is he dating one of his opponents, Emily, but he also gave her the Ion Lifesaver award because she’s “His Most Valuable Player on the Island.” You lose points for being whipped and ever more for being whipped on national television.

On to the girls…

Tonya – Now, I don’t know much about Tonya, because I wasn’t a fan of the Chicago season, but apparently everybody hates her. I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, primarily because she looks great in a bathing suit. Her boycotting of Puck’s wedding disturbs me, as does her “Perfect Bitch” score of 11 (five for crying, five for fighting, and only a one for hooking up), but then when you factor in the skimpy ensemble of her in a bathing suit, all is well.

Rachel – Everyone’s favorite bisexual campus crawler is back, but only scoring six out of 15 (only a one on the all important crying scale, fortunately). Just as an interesting side note, on MTV’s fantasy challenge, Rachel has scored 69 points. While not the most controversial team member, she is a personal favorite of mine and needed to be included in this article!

Ellen – I really hope everyone hates this girl by now. From Road Rules: The Quest, (Did anyone even watch that season?) this girl is getting on my nerves, which means the producers are doing their job. She is rivaling the almighty Puck for points on’s Fantasy Challenge, and will probably pass him within the next 2 weeks. It seems as if every time Ellen is on camera, she is either crying or complaining. Her recent bout of crying was brought on when Puck allegedly told her he would beat her up. Puck, I don’t care if you get kicked off the show — do it please.

Ruthie – Everyone’s favorite alcoholic girl that was on Real World Hawaii with a twin sister is back! And with a vengeance, apparently, scoring a 13 out of 15 on MTV’s rating scale. She has completely dominated all of the competitions she’s been in to this point. Her most recent victory being in a hold your breath contest, where she held her breath underwater for almost 2 minutes, a skill she undoubtedly learned through experience in passing out in her own alcohol-induced vomit. She has been relatively normal so far, but I hope it is just a matter of time before the new Ruthie gets bored and the old Ruthie is back. Old Ruthie = ratings.