The price of ice: bachelors dread diamond game

Ryan G. Murphy

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Thank you Marilyn Monroe. Perhaps you could have picked something a little more expensive.

“Listen hon, it’s time to get married. Take this shiny rock as a token of my love for you.” A $1,000-$33,000 shiny rock in fact. Does that sound crazy to anyone else? No wonder men have a fear of commitment.

$33,000 could easily take a guy to the next ten Super Bowls. Read that again.

Men are starting to group Tiffany’s and colonoscopy in the same category. “Popping the big question,” not only means trading golf clubs for Swiffers, but also handing over five month’s salary to the infamous Tiffany and Co.

Despite this, the popularity of diamonds continues to rise. Men sell their cars to buy engagement diamonds. Women ogle their girlfriends who receive pink, heart shaped rocks in platinum setting.

But why the obsession over diamonds? And when did this madness begin?

For one, the diamond is one of the most indestructible natural formations known to man. (So is a woman who does not get one this Valentine’s Day.) They are pure carbon, and were created eons ago under intense pressure and heat inside the earth. Just think of Dick Clark. That’s how old diamonds are.

Throughout history, diamonds have been considered to possess magic. Is that all the whole love thing takes? Magic? “Hon, I think we should get married. I’ve decided to skip the whole diamond thing. Here’s a ticket to David Copperfield. Enjoy.” Guys are so resourceful. Men: 1 Tiffany and Co: 0.

From a guy’s perspective, one of the most infamous people in history is Archduke Maximilian of Austria. He’s the genius who, in 1477, gave his future wife a diamond ring as a mark of their engagement. The tradition has stuck ever since. Let’s all smack our foreheads in unison. This guy had the chance to set the engagement gift precedent for centuries to come and he picks the most expensive rock available?

Not only have the shiny buggers been considered a source of magic, but they have also been historically representative of strength and courage. Fair enough. “Hon, I think we should get married. To show my undying love to you, I got you a membership to the YMCA. When you get back from your workout, we’ll watch a scary movie together. Enjoy.” Who said love was hard? Men: 2 Tiffany and Co: 0.

In the past, diamonds were also thought to calm the mentally insane, ward off devils, and even subdue nightmares. In today’s world though, diamonds have actually had the reverse effect. Tiffany’s has driven some men mentally insane after they opened the bill. Let’s not even talk about the nightmares.

“I like diamonds because they are beautiful and shiny,” said senior Renee Covatto. Sounds easy. “Hon, I think we should get married … Oh, I almost forgot! Here’s my Michael Jordan hologram card. I love you.” Men: 3 Tiffany and Co: 0.

And how about the, “A diamond is forever,” slogan? Who wants to look at the same gift for the rest of the life? My suggestion–engagement gold fish. They don’t last long enough to get boring like a ring. And best of all … they’re shiny.

So this Valentine’s Day, if you are thinking about buying a diamond for your lover, sit down for a minute and think. There are so many romantic alternatives to explore. My choice?

Roses are red

Violets are blue.

To show that I love you,

Here’s Playstation 2.

You’ll learn how to play it,

Just give it some time.

I couldn’t afford a new one baby,

So here, borrow mine.