The following column is parody. None of the people mentioned in it are real. None of the events in it are real. It’s meant to be funny.
Newfound Sense of Community Fostered As RAs Thwart Underage Drinkers
February 11, 2005 — A new found sense of respect and community has been fostered all over campus, thanks in part to the effort of a Resident Assistant, who singled handedly thwarted group of students attempting to drink on campus.
“I was on rounds in Sullivan, when we passed room 1059” said Resident Assistant Molly Brugas. “At first, I wasn’t sure if there were people drinking in the room, but I suspected it. I mean, I could hear a few voices in there, and they had music on really low, but I wasn’t sure if they were drinking. So I very quietly listened outside the door for a couple minutes, when suddenly, I heard a can open.
“I just knew there were people having fun in there! I mean, who drinks soda at 12:30 at night, right? I had to get in there and really try and foster a sense of community with these residents!”
The RA knocked on the door, which was answered by sophomore Brad Lispizito. “As soon as I opened the door, the RA stuck her foot in, so I couldn’t close it. Me and some of the guys from my hall were splitting a case of beer and playing Madden. We were pretty down after the Super Bowl, so I figured we’d just stay in, split a case of beer, and just play some football.”
Thankfully, the RAs thwarted Lispizito’s potentially community destroying night when she entered his room.
In an effort to foster as much community as possible, they sent everyone home, counted all the opened bottles, and confiscated any unopened alcohol, while preparing a report to submit to the Dean of Students.
“They also took my shot glasses, which my parents bought for in the Villanova bookstore, and the wine I was saving for Valentines Day”, said Lispizito.
Lispizito was grateful that the RA was so concerned for his welfare. “It was at that moment I knew Villanova is more than just a college, it is a community”, he said of the incident.
“I mean, up until this point, I’ve had trouble meeting people. But after tonight, I know Villanova is a real community, and Residence Life is here to promote an atmosphere where people can just hang out and get to know each other. It reminded me how awesome of a place Villanova is to be at, and how much I enjoy it here!”
Mr. Lispizito now faces a judicial hearing, where he will be given a fine and put on disciplinary probation.
Later that night, the RAs celebrated this newfound sense of campus community at Erin’s pub, a local drinking establishment.
“Sometimes residents think they need to drink to have a good time. Well, when they do that, it’s our job to come in there and foster community” said Ms. Brugas, in between shots of whiskey.
“Our mission is to foster a welcoming residential community that emphasizes civility, responsibility and mutual respect. I think we’ve done a good job of that tonight.”
When asked if it was hypocritical that the RAs were out drinking, Ms. Brugas responded, “Are you kidding? There’s nothing else to do around here! What do you think I’m going to do on a Friday night, sit in my room and watch TV?”