September 18, 2004 marked a monumental day in my life. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was subscribing to the greatest invention since the lightbulb. Nay, this was truly better.

“Amy Durazo, welcome to the facebook.com.”

Now, over a year and about 74,000 thousand stalking sessions later, I feel as though I am ready to crown myself a professional facebooker, a seasoned veteran of the facebook. And since I am overflowing with knowledge on the topic, here are some dos and don’ts of facebooking for those late bloomers who are considering joining.

Do post a picture of yourself. This helps others get an idea of what you look like and might even help them if they are searching for you. Choosing a humorous photo of yourself is in good taste, as it portrays your personality.

Don’t post your glamour shot or airbrushed black and white photograph. Attempting to enhance your looks on the facebook is the same as lying on your resume or cheating on your significant other. Be honest. Be realistic. Speaking of significant others, do not include them in your picture. Unless of course you are incredibly insecure and need everyone to know that you are not hopelessly single.

Don’t change your facebook picture on a daily basis. It’s one thing to visit the website every hour on the hour. It is quite another to make it obvious that you do so. Finally, models and actors, feel free to post a shot of yourself wearing a bathing suit or showing off your flawless physique. All others, please refrain for the simple reason that it is cheesy and inappropriate.

Do include a profile to match your picture, complete with information about your hometown, hobbies, relationship status, and any other information that might be interesting to others.

Don’t give readers a laundry list of every movie you’ve ever loved since you were four or your top 50 favorite bands and singers, including the freakishly embarrassing ones. Furthermore, don’t claim to be married to a member of the same sex or someone you have obviously not exchanged vows with. It was only funny for the first five minutes.

Do invite your acquaintances to become friends with you on the facebook.

Don’t ask anyone you simply think is hot. This will not lead to a relationship, but rather, to that person thinking you are a weirdo. Furthermore, unless you have had a legitimate conversation with someone and plan to do so again in the future, abstain from asking him/her to be your friend. The facebook is not a popularity contest and you are definitely not popular if you have to ask someone to be your friend in the first place.

Do write on your friends’ walls. It is a cute way to let someone know you are thinking about them without sending an e-mail or a text message.

Don’t post chain messages on your friends’ walls. The playboy bunny, the beautiful truck, the picture of the male performing an obscene gesture – just don’t. Don’t even think about writing “I love you,” “Luv ya,” or anything of that nature on your significant other’s wall. When you two break up in a few months, it will be a terrible reminder of the love you once had. Share those special moments in the privacy of your own dorm room or apartment.

Do send messages to say hello to your high school friends or people you have not seen in awhile.

Don’t address important matters in facebook messages. For example, do not send death threats, love letters, or urgent news. And please, please do not tell your friend that you are sorry for the loss of a loved one. If you can type a sentence saying you’re sorry, you can dial a phone and do the same thing.

Do join facebook groups that relate to your interests, like “Love Laguna Beach” or “Harry Potter Fans Unite.”

Don’t join every facebook group that has ever been invented, including groups that are based upon inside jokes with two of your best friends. This probably means that only three people will be joining that particular group and quite frankly, three people can not be considered a “group.”

In fact, here’s a great idea for a facebook group. If you feel that I have addressed you specifically, then I probably did. Feel free to invent a group that is called “I’m the person that Amy Durazo writes about every week.” I’ll be checking on its progress in a few days.