As I sit here writing this, I can’t help but laugh at the irony of the fact that I am actually writing a column on my own free will. As a math major here at Villanova, you’ll have to take my word for it when I say that the last thing I’d ever want to do is voluntarily compose a piece of literature. I hope I’m not the only one who feels like this at this institution of learning. Given all of this background, I’ll do my best to try to entertain you, reader, for the brief three minutes I hope you will spend reading this.

I imagine if you’re still reading this masterpiece, the only reason that you are doing so is to find out exactly what point I am attempting to make. The reasons people read articles voluntarily are: 1) the author is discussing a topic that is interesting to the reader or 2) the author is not discussing an interesting topic, but the reader still wants to know the author’s point. I realize that if someone is reading based on the latter point, the literary work in question is probably a substandard piece of hogwash. Despite this detail, I beg you to keep reading because all the good stuff is yet to come.

At this point, I begin to think to myself, “Self, what would beautiful people want to read?” After all, a vast majority of people here at Villanova are beautiful people. While that may be true, I feel that, as a writer, it is my responsibility to cater to my entire audience, so clearly I cannot solely focus on the beautiful. Where am I to go at this point? Each of you reading this (which I’m sure is about three people by now) has your own interests and hobbies. Quite a quandary.

Perhaps I’ll focus on my own interests and hope some of you can relate to them. First, if you are a male in a bathroom without a urinal, stand closer to the toilet; it’s shorter than you think (yes, I read that on a poster in my female friends’ bathroom). Second, to all the women who will not be graduating and leaving college this year, I will be available all summer for off-campus dating. Finally, do what you like while you’re at school. Do every intramural sport you want to, join every extracurricular activity you want to, drink as many nights out of the week that you want to. Whatever you decide, make sure that you don’t regret anything you did or didn’t do when you graduate. Later peeps.