I recently discovered that Villanova’s Health and Wellness is offering “101 Ways to Make Love Without Doing it.” As a good Christian “Soul-Ja,” I feel they have missed quite a few even more realistic ways to avoid going all the way. And since my list last week was so popular, I’ll start a new tradition of mediocrity with one week left in school.
*These views are entirely the warped ideas of Santo Caruso and are not shared nor supported by the Villanovan staff. Or Villanova University. Or anyone else. *
102- Go out to the bars or party, get shot down like a clay pigeon and drunk dial any member of the opposite sex located in your phonebook. Regret this decision, regardless of outcome, the next morning.
103- As Vince Vaughn said “a little game I like to call just for a second, to see how it feels”
104- Alone time and a cable modem
105- Take your girlfriend out on a really nice day, and pour on all the charm. Do all the little things she swears you never do, and than at the end of the night find out “its that time of the month.” Then see 104
106- Don’t watch TV, don’t scan the internet, don’t rent a movie because all they will do is inundate you with sexual innuendo. Instead read the Villanovan, a publication of such high reputation they would never feature anything remotely sexual.
107- Get your girlfriend talking about her week. By the time she is done you’ll more likely want to choke her.
108- Rent “Bring it On,” “Naked Lunch,” “While You Were Sleeping” or any other film where the title suggests it will be more sexually provocative than it is.
109- Lick mayonnaise off of each other.
110- Have a huge argument with your other half. Scream at each other for several hours, close with “Well I guess I just love you too much.” Cry to your friends how you could do so much better.
111- Go shoe/purse shopping. She’ll never respect you enough to be intimate with you after that.
112- There are three whole bases before home so, play small ball!
113- Flatulate in front of him.
114- Take her back to your apartment. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than empty pizza box furniture and dirty-laundry duvet covers.
115- MÃ©nage Ã trois?
116- Special onion-garlic-bean asparagus stir-fry. In accordance with the Clean Air Act two people are not allowed to occupy the same bed after eating that.
117- Drink until it doesn’t work.
118- Nag him endlessly for a plethora of reasons ranging from how he never does the nice things he used to when you first started dating to why he never says he loves you.
119- Slipknot and Slayer love songs. Can’t miss.
120- While lying in bed instead of putting on a movie and turning off the lights to set the mood, pop your Family Guy DVDs in and show her that you know every line from “Brian Does Hollywood.” Ooh, gets me all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
121- Talk about all the things you and your ex used to do and how much fun that was.
122- Watch football all day without moving from the couch, and demand your girlfriend provide both beer and food. From my own experience, I can guarantee this never leads to love making because than life would be too perfect.
123- Reminisce about the time you walked in on your parents. They just do it because they love each other very much, and if they hadn’t you wouldn’t be here.
In case you were wondering, here is the Health and Wellness Center’s List: http://www.villanova.edu/studentlife/healthandwellness/resources.htm?page=abstinence_postponement.htm