MBB: The ‘science’ of Masctology

Raynor Denitzio

Coming down like El Niño, it’s the last edition of Mascotology for the semester. I know some of you are raising questions because the Wildcats’ victory over the Quakers is a clear violation of Rule 1: Humans always beat animals. While in theory this is true, a little common sense shows us why the animal kingdom was able to take this one. You see, Quakers believe that violence is always wrong. Plus, I think they have emotional problems (you know, besides pacifism).

Recapping last week, my record stands at a respectable 4-2 after last week’s 1-2 debacle. Defying all logic, the Highlanders were held to 38 points in a blow-out loss to now-No. 1 UCLA, and the Southern Utah Thunderbirds went down to the No. 13 Washington Huskies. This leads me to believe it may be necessary to consult the rankings before making my predictions, or at the very least examine a point spread (although I still stand by the Highlanders as my pick in the Big West, unless someone cuts their heads off.)

On to this week’s picks. The Oral Roberts Golden Eagles take on the Georgetown Hoyas. I like birds. They move like robots. But when I was younger, my grandparents had a dog named Topper. One day while I was walking him, he ate a whole blue jay. Granted it was already dead, but the memory stuck with me. Dogs hate birds and dogs have teeth. The pick is the Hoyas.

Bold, I know. But hopefully this will get me some breathing room just in case the Higlanders let me down and wind up not cutting down the nets in March.

I doubt this will be neccesary, however. They have no rival, and no man can be their equal.