MBB: The ‘science’ of Mascotology

Raynor Denitzio

Not to mark him out as Public Enemy No.1 here at Mascotology, but to paraphrase Herbert (the creepy old man) from “Family Guy,” Tyler Hansbrough, you’re really starting to piss me off. It isn’t necessarily anything he’s done, but rather what is being done to him. Recently, during one of my many daily explorations of the Cyberwebs (that’s right potential employers, I’m fluent in Google), I stumbled upon an article that ranked Hansbrough as the No. 10 Freshman of All-Time. Read that again. In the 34 years since freshmen became eligible to play, ESPN.com feels Hansbrough is one of the 10 best ever. To put this into perspective, Magic Johnson was No. 2 on the same list.

At first, I found this news outrageous. But I am comforted by the fact that someone who is spouting such nonsense is gainfully employed by the “Worldwide Leader in Sports.” Maybe this means there’s still hope for a slightly awkward young man who spends his Friday nights attempting to convince the Garrett Hill cashier to let him buy beer with his WildCard.

In a nod to the boys from Bristol, I now give you my list of the Top 3 Basketball Players Under 6 Feet:

3) Raynor Denitzio – During one lonely winter break with only an Xbox and a new copy of “EA Sports NCAA Basketball 2005” to keep me company, naturally, I created myself in the game. After a season in which I averaged close to 50 points and 20 steals per game, I realized that I may have overestimated my skills slightly. In my defense, had I actually been able to play college basketball, I probably would have practiced a lot.

2) Jimmy Dolan – Led St. Joseph’s (Buffalo, N.Y.) to a National Championship over Georgetown before blowing out his knee. He kind of went off the deep end on us with that recruiting trip to Africa, but at least he won a prize recruit when Winabi defeated Mangori. Truth be told, this stuff happens all of the time. I heard that Indiana State actually won Larry Bird in a poker game.

1) Teen Wolf – To be fair, I’m not exactly sure how tall he was when he transformed into a werewolf, but using the human Scott Howard, the Beavers did successfully defeat a Mike Piazza-led team in the state finals. I will go to my grave believing that Piazza was once a B-movie actor who gave up his Hollywood dream to play for the Mets.

Now on to the picks. Mascotology finished 1-1 this week, thanks to Rutgers once again coming through for me when I needed it. This week our Wildcats take on the Louisville Cardinals on Saturday. I’ve already registered my disdain for birds in this space, and this was only increased after what they did to my car this past week. I mean, honestly, it’s winter. Where are these birds coming from? Take the Wildcats.

Elsewhere, the Scarlet Knights take on the UConn Huskies. Rutgers has yet to let me down (other than that time the Health Department shut down the Grease Trucks. If I want to eat rat meat, that’s my business and no one else’s). I’ll take the Scarlet Knights until they give me a reason not to.