It’s Valentine’s Day. You have no date.

With all the “random play” I see listed on Facebook, I’d have thought you’d have found someone by now. But, seeing as you haven’t and this Valentine’s Day will find your room loveless and empty, I have been charged with helping your sorry self to at least select a good movie.

I’ll start with the guys. Women get in the lifeboats first, and I’m far too tired to be politically correct.

Here at Villanova, there are a lot of UGGs walking around with beautiful women in them. If you’re serious about capturing one’s heart, you might do well to watch a film that does just that. Get inside their heads. Anything swooning and canned with a predictable ending and nauseating sexual tension will do the trick. Sisterly camaraderie based on shared, nomadic trousers is also quite popular with the ladies. If it makes her cry and you want to hang yourself, it’s gold.

If this doesn’t work – and it won’t – you might want to make your choice based on your present unenviable situation. Here are some scenarios.

What if you’re searching for love on Facebook? Well, sleazebag, I would recommend a

movie featuring Hannibal Lector. They’re full of kidnappings, sexual deviancy and psychiatrists: three things you are obviously familiar with.

Do you have a girlfriend but are hopelessly whipped? Well, it frankly doesn’t matter what I say, because you, my friend, are watching “The Notebook.” Deal with it. She’s wearing the pants in the relationship. I guess the only positive thing here is that you aren’t wearing pants.

How about a long-distance relationship? I hear you, my friend. I am blessed to have a ravishingly beautiful, devoted girlfriend. Unfortunately, she lives in Siberia. Yeah, that’s right – Siberia. So, like you, my Valentine’s Day is going to suck. We need some cheering-up. Personally, I don’t go for the whimsical, perky movies where the cute guy gets the cute girl and they buy a cute, little house for their cute, little kids. Ugh! Under these circumstances, I prefer movies with a lot of death and destruction. They make me feel better. Fiery plane crashes, zombies, severed heads, crying kids and ownerless puppies are perfect.

What if you can’t remember the last time you even had a date? You might want to start considering “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.”

And now it’s the ladies’ turn. You surely need no help selecting your own spry, syrupy romantic comedy. So, I’ll leave that to you. But what kind of movies do guys want to see?

This is simple. We don’t give a hoot. We just want to make out.

I wish you all the best. Whether you watch a comedy, thriller or drama, I hope you get some action.