DIBIASE: Top 10 painfully funny injuries

Justin Dibiase

Chicago Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood once struck out 20 hitters in a single game. The same Kerry Wood recently injured himself in an unfortunate accident in which he slipped and fell on his chest in a hot tub. Wood apparently was able to retire almost seven innings worth of batters with strikes, but he was not capable of entering a 3-foot tall Jacuzzi safely. Thus, the bane of professional athletes’ images in America arises. No, not entering hot tubs – I am speaking of the odd and often comical array of injuries that athletes incur. If these men and women are supposed to be the most physically capable humans in the world, why can’t some of them use a toaster without somehow finding a way on to the injured list? Here I have compiled a list of the 10 wackiest sports injuries in recent memory.

10. Adam Eaton – This former Texas Rangers pitcher tried to break open the security tape on a DVD using a paring knife. To make a short story even shorter, Eaton managed to stab himself in the stomach with the knife. Somehow during this past offseason, the Philadelphia Phillies found a spot in their pitching rotation for this knucklehead. Hopefully he won’t damage his retinas while “accidentally” squirting Cheese Whiz from his Philly cheesesteak into his eye.

9. Bret Barberie – This former ballplayer’s injury should be a warning to all Villanova students and faculty. Barberie was indulging in nachos with cheese and the fixins’. These fixins’ included hot peppers and spicy sauce. After his snack, he attempted to insert contact lenses into his eyes, felt a severe burning sensation and was forced to miss a game. There you have it, Villanova. Never touch your eyes immediately after participating in Nacho Friday at the Pit.

8. Glenallen Hill – Poor Glenallen not only suffered from having two bland first names squished into one, but he also had arachnophobia. One night when the outfielder was being chased by a spider in a dream, Hill arose from the couch he was sleeping on and crashed through a glass table, leaving his body lacerated by shards of glass.

7. Lionel Simmons – In 1991, the former Sacramento King suffered a bad case of tendonitis in his wrist. What was the cause? Simmons reportedly played his Nintendo Game Boy excessively and eventually injured his wrist. I always knew that the intense Level 10 of Tetris would someday cause physical damage. The lesson is, listen to your parents: do your homework or else you will get wrist tendonitis, and that is no fun.

6. Chris Hanson – Jacksonville Jaguars Head Coach Jack Del Rio decided to boost team morale after a three-game losing streak in the 2003 season. Del Rio placed a tree stump and an axe in the middle of the Jags’ locker room and instructed his players to “keep chopping wood.” This metaphor did not turn out well for Hanson, the Jags’ punter. After practice one day, Hanson took an off-balance swing at the stump and accidentally drove the ax deep into his left leg. After he was rushed to the emergency room, Hanson was placed on injured reserve for the remainder of the season.

5. Denny McLain – McLain, a former pro-baseball player, has one of the oddest injuries of the bunch. McLain went to bed one night like any other normal night. When he awoke, he had four dislocated toes. My prediction on what happened? McLain was addicted to gambling, and bookies are very nifty at times.

4. Wade Boggs – This Hall of Famer had some trouble dressing before going out for a night on the town. Boggs was attempting to put on his cowboy boots when he lost his balance and fell into a couch. Apparently Boggs missed a week after falling into this seemingly spike-laden couch. I have one word for Mr. Boggs: Ikea.

3. Paulo Diogo – This newly-married Swiss soccer player was injured during a post-goal celebration. To celebrate his goal, this FC Serville footballer jumped onto a metal fence which separated players and fans. His wedding ring got caught in the fence when he decided to jump off. Needless to say, his finger stayed with the ring, and the rest of his body went in the opposite direction. Diogo lost his finger and was “fingered” with a yellow card for showboating.

2. John Smoltz – This Atlanta Braves fireballer was attempting to iron his clothes a few years ago when the unthinkable occurred; he realized he still had the clothes on while ironing them. Smoltz scalded himself and was badly injured.

1. Sammy Sosa – Baseball has been “very, very good” to Sosa, but his allergies have not. One day in a pregame warmup, Sosa bent over and sneezed twice, sending his back into spasms. Sosa missed the game but most likely did not miss out on the jokes made about the Dominican slugger.

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Justin DiBiase is a sophomore civil engineering major from Franklinville, N.J. He can be reached at [email protected]